


Break the Wheel

by princess_1216



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben looks hot in Bike Shorts, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grad Student Rey Johnson, Lawyer Ben Solo, Meddling Mother Leia, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Poe wants to be matchmaker Dameron, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey looks hot all the time, Romantic Soulmates, Sad Boi Ben Solo, Slow Burn, Spin Class Gets Hot, Sponsored by Gymshark (not really), Star Wars References, it's cute okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_1216/pseuds/princess_1216
Summary: Rey teaches a spin class every Monday night at Resistance Cycling Co.Recently redeemed Ben Solo gets dared to "try something new" by none other than Poe "Matchmaker" Dameron, and somehow finds himself on a bike on Monday night, doing a lot less cycling and a lot more staring at the gorgeous, hazel-eyed instructor across the room.Matchmaking hijinks and miscommunication ensue.Will our two leads finally "break the wheel" of lonely hearts? Only this fic tells.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 36
Kudos: 83





	1. Trying Something New

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, but I've been wanting to write one for MONTHS because this Star Wars online fan community (esp. #Reylo) has really gotten me through some tough times, including leaving a toxic work environment and, of course – getting over TROS. So... yeah *laughs nervously.* I hope you like it. 
> 
> A few notes real quick: 
> 
> 1) This idea came into my head during a real spin class (back when we could go to spin classes) and the International Women's Day playlist actually happened. My creative mind...took off from there hehehe.
> 
> 2) I'll list at least one song per chapter, and I recommend listening to it as you read to get you in the "mood" lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [you should see me in a crown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plof0N0163o) // Billie Eilish
> 
> [The Chain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P160_odTwyY) // Fleetwood Mac

**Chapter 1: Trying Something New**

The pedals raced, faster and faster under his feet as Ben tried to keep up. _One-two, one-two, one-two_. He could feel his thighs start to burn. 

“Above 65 RPM’s, you can do it, let’s warm up those legs,” the instructor called out. 

_Shit, this is hard,_ Ben thought to himself, head down, silently cursing Poe Dameron to hell and back. Why was he here, again? 

Oh, that’s right; he’d lost a bet on Friday night. 

Ben breathed heavily through the burn and glared at Poe on the bike next to him. Poe, meeting his glare with a grin, winked at Ben just as the instructor called out again for them to increase the resistance. Ben groaned. _Shiiiit_. 

Whispering curses under his breath, Ben adjusted the resistance lever, and began to cycle faster to the beat of what he thought might be… No, actually, he had no idea who this artist was. Whatever the song was, it was fast and loud. Poe had apparently dragged him to a club marauding as a fitness class. 

_I can do this, I can do this_ , Ben repeated like a mantra to himself. He’d never hear the end of it if he tapped out before the class was over. 

> _You say, come over baby / I think you’re pretty_
> 
> _I’m okay… I’m not your baby / If you think I’m pretty…_
> 
> _You should see me in a crown._

“Keep it going, ladies and gentlemen! Do you know what yesterday was? International Women’s Day! So this class is dedicated to all those fierce ladies out there and the men who support them!” he heard from the front. 

Ben, panting now, looked up at the instructor, preparing to curse her, too, gender be damned, for putting him through this hell. 

To his surprise, hazel eyes met brown from across the room, and a thrill ran through him, so powerful it made him lose his footing. 

He hadn’t really noticed her before, too busy at the start of class complaining to Poe about how much he hated group exercise. 

A mistake he would never make again. 

Even from this distance––he had made Poe take bikes towards the back of the studio to lessen any opportunity for embarrassment––he could see her eyes sparkle at the front of the room. They widened further, her mouth curving into an “Oh!” of surprise, as if she were as startled to find him staring at her as she was him. _Not likely._

She was strikingly beautiful. 

And she _owned_ this room. 

Ben watched her brown hair swing back and forth as she ground out the steady warm-up beat: _one-two, one-two, one-two. Left-right, left-right, left-right._ Her arms gripped the handlebars with strength and ease, and Ben thought he could just make out a small tattoo above her right elbow. He watched her body, covered in a white sports bra and matching white pants, move effortlessly on the bike, as if the two were one. 

She also wore a microphone headset, and he had a sudden vision of her in an early 2000s music video before realizing that his jaw was on the floor and he had been openly staring at her for the past minute without any movement from his legs. 

He quickly looked down, embarrassed, and forced himself to start pedaling again. His heart beat wildly in his chest. Because of the exercise, or… because of her? He looked down for another minute, even as he began to breathe more normally, trying to focus on the burn in his thighs while silently chastising himself for staring at the instructor. _You can’t do that, Ben._

But there was something familiar about her… He took a deep breath, then peeked up at her again. 

She was still looking at him, head tilted slightly. More hair had fallen out of her updo, but she seemed to be able to continue pedaling steadily––unlike him. Not wanting to break eye contact again, he held her gaze for another minute, heat growing in his chest at their prolonged connection. He noticed her eyes soften. Then, she smirked. 

Heat rushed to his core. 

“Well folks, looks like we have some new athletes in our class tonight!” she called out, breaking Ben’s reverie. He blinked, caught off guard. _She wouldn’t…_

“Let’s show them how we do Monday nights!” The rest of the class let out cheers and whistles. 

Poe let out a “Whoop, whoop!” from the bike next to his, and Ben looked around him in disbelief. What kind of place _was_ this? 

“This is his first class ever!” Poe shouted gleefully, pointing at Ben. Ben whipped his head around to glare at Poe for the second time, embarrassment burning his cheeks. This was exactly what Ben was afraid Poe would do. 

He heard more cheers from the rest of the group, and swallowed. Gathering his courage, he slowly looked towards the front of the room. The hot instructor was already grinning at him. She winked, and his stomach swooped. 

“Hey there, new guy,” she called out to him. “My name is Rey, and I’m happy to be your first.” 

Then she turned up the music, and he thought he might just die right then and there. 

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, Ben wasn’t sure how he had made it through the class. 

It wasn’t like he was completely out of shape. He ran at least three miles every weekend, and he and Poe regularly lifted weights in the gym on their lunch breaks. But something was different about this class. He felt like he had never before understood the meaning of the phrase “out of breath.” 

He shook sweat from his hair ( _he knew he should have brought that headband_ ) as he followed Poe towards the door.

A Fleetwood Mac classic buzzed merrily through the speakers. _Huh_ , he thought, _good playlist_. 

Meandering through the maze of bikes, he stopped, suddenly feeling eyes on the back of his head. He turned around slowly, to see the instructor–– _Rey_ , he reminded himself––gazing at him from across the studio as she chatted with some of the other participants. He nodded at her. She stared at him for another second, then turned back to the girls she was speaking with, shaking her head at something one of them said. 

Ben continued shakily out the door. _Had she done this to him?_ He’d never felt so shaken, so _spent_ after exercising. 

_Who was she?_

Once out of the room, Ben followed the sound of low male laughter, recognizing Poe’s timbre. He found Poe leaning against the wall by the locker room, touching the bicep of tall, dark, and handsome Finn, who was mirroring his pose. 

Finn snorted at something Poe said, then looked up to see Ben gingerly walking towards them. 

“Poe told me you got called out in class,” he snickered. At this, Poe turned around and smirked at Ben. 

“Did he tell you it was completely his fault?” Ben retorted. He sank down into an armchair next to them and stared at the ground, still breathing deeply. 

“Yeah, he did, but you deserved it––you lost the bet!” Finn and Poe continued snickering, as Ben started wiping his face with his towel. He hid his face in it for a minute, giving himself a break from their mirth. Of course, Poe would immediately tell everyone, including his boyfriend, about how Ben had made a fool of himself in class. 

“Hey, Rey!” he heard Finn call out.

Ben quickly pulled the towel off his face, and whipped his head towards the spin studio doorway. Rey was striding out of it with a gym bag over her shoulder. She’d put on a flowy cream-colored cardigan over the rest of her white ensemble, and Ben couldn’t help but think that she looked _radiant_ , like she was _glowing._

She took a swig of water from the bottle she was carrying, and Ben followed the movement with his eyes, noticing the drip that ran down her chin before she wiped it off. Then he realized he was staring. _Again._ He stood up quickly to hide his awkwardness, looking down at the towel in his hands before raising his eyes to watch as she walked towards them. 

Rey ignored him as she approached, striding past him to get to Finn, to whom she gave a warm hug.

“Hey, Roomie,” she responded lightly. “Good group today,” she commented, keeping one arm around Finn’s waist and taking another drink of water before finally setting her eyes on Poe. “Who’s your friend, Poe?” 

_Of course she knows Poe,_ Ben thought, _if she’s Finn’s roommate._

He had barely seen Poe since Poe and Finn had started dating three months before. Poe was head over heels for Finn, and from what he could tell, Finn felt the same way about Poe, meaning that they spent every waking moment with each other. Ben was very glad he and Poe did _not_ live together. 

“This is Ben,” Poe drawled, throwing an arm around Ben’s shoulder. “We’ve known each other since we were, what, three? Our moms worked together in DC.” 

Ben shuffled uncomfortably, looking down at his running shoes, feeling Rey’s gaze on him. 

“Hey, Ben. Thanks for coming to my class.” 

He looked up quickly to meet her eyes. Suddenly, he was back in the saddle of the bike and his breath was gone because her eyes, _her eyes_ ––like the rest of her, they were stunning. Bright, hazel, with a hint of mirth. He had barely looked up during class after she had called him out, knowing that if he just _gaped_ at her, like he wanted to, he would never make it through the course she put them on. Every so often, he’d allow himself a glance–– _just watching the instructor’s form,_ he told himself––and he swore she would look away just as he looked at her, as if she had just been studying him, too. 

He realized with a jolt that he hadn’t answered her yet. 

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered, and Poe laughed. _Shut up, Poe_ . “Yeah, it was a great class,” he finished pathetically, taking a deep breath. _Don’t act stupid, Ben. Think of something else to say._ “How long, uhh, how long have you been teaching?” 

She smiled at him, and took another sip of water before answering. _Don’t stare, Ben_. 

“About a year. Finn helped me get the job during the last year of undergrad.” She turned toward Finn and shot him a big grin, squeezing his waist. “Wouldn’t know where I’d be without him!” 

“Aww, peanut,” he responded. “You’re cute.” 

“Hey, I thought I was cute!” Poe joked indignantly, removing his arm from around Ben’s shoulders. 

“You’re…” Finn took his time raking his eyes up and down Poe’s form. “You’re fine.” 

“Oh, just fine?” Poe stepped closer to Finn, looking up at his boyfriend through his eyelashes. Ben turned away, knowing how Poe could dial up the heat, even in public situations, in an instant. 

“No, you’re _fiiine,_ ” Finn responded slowly, drawing out the last word. He closed the gap between him and Poe, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes, and Ben began to feel very uncomfortable standing so close to the couple. Eager to look at someone else, he looked at Rey, who was still gazing at Finn and Poe with a thoughtful look on her face. As if feeling Ben’s eyes on her, she flicked her eyes to his and blushed. 

“Umm, yeah. So I’ve got to head out now,” she announced quickly, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. “Ben, it was nice to meet you. Come to another class – I promise it gets easier.” 

She stuck her hand out to shake his, and he, thanking his lucky stars that he lost that bet to Poe, grasped her hand firmly. 

A soft tingling sensation grew from where they connected. Her hand fit so easily, dwarfed by his own huge one, and he thought _this_ might be the greatest feeling in the world. A lightness rose within him, and even on shaky legs, he felt strong, like she could ask him to do anything in the world, and he would do it for her. He stared at her, eyes widening in surprise. _How is she doing this?_

She gasped, pulling back, but the tingling feeling lingered in his now empty hand. He stared down at where their hands had joined a second ago. _Did she feel it, too?_

Too quickly for him to realize what was happening, she had dashed past him and was now sprinting to the front door. She shouted over her shoulder, “Bye FinnPoe!” It was only when she was out the door that she looked back at Ben through the window, an unintelligible look in her eyes, and then...

She was gone. 

Ben stood where she had left him, his hand still stretched out. He curled it, the tingling sensation fading. 

He blinked once, then, coming to his senses, he frowned. “FinnPoe?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	2. The One After the Meet-Cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tries not to think about the hot guy from her spin class the other night. Spoiler alert: she does not succeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of past sexual misconduct against Rey from a past boyfriend. If that is a trigger in any way, I take no offense what.so.ever to you clicking away!
> 
> I included this part because a) Rey's had it tough growing up, and in this story, I believe it makes sense, b) I had a similar experience, and it's been therapeutic to write about, and c) I wanted Rey & Ben in this story to be as "real," as I could make them, and unfortunately, sexual assault/misconduct is a very real thing.
> 
> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [Sweet Creature](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uD6s-X3590) // Harry Styles
> 
> [bury a friend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1r3KDb0Vx0) // billie eilish

**Chapter 2: The One After the Meet-Cute**

“Grrr, come on you little––” 

It was Thursday night, and Rey was digging deeper into her ice cream, frustrated by the last glob of cookie dough stuck to the bottom of the carton. Leveraging her spoon against the cardboard carton, she shoved it under the clump and pushed, managing to dislodge the cookie dough while simultaneously sending it and globs of vanilla ice cream skyrocketing up onto her sweatshirt. 

Grimacing, she set the carton on her nightstand, and cleaned up her Johns Hopkins sweatshirt as best she could, licking ice cream off her fingers. “Great.” Was this what she got for eating pure sugar and dairy? She was working on her Masters in Public Health––she really should know better, but some habits––like ice cream and movies on Thursday nights––were too hard to break. With a sigh, she turned back to her laptop screen. 

Finn had been telling her to watch the newest _Little Women_ movie since it had arrived in theaters at Christmas, but she––a _Little Women_ purist––had refused, reminding him of her loyalty to the Winona Ryder version. She thought back on their conversation over the holidays and smiled ruefully. 

Finn had gaped at her over their small Christmas dinner. “But Emma Watson! Greta Gerwig! Saoirse?! C’mon, Rey!” he’d pleaded, only for her to shake her head defiantly. 

He’d scoffed at her opposition, and stuffed his mouth with brussels sprouts. “You’ll regret not coming,” he’d predicted, his mouth still full. She remembered just sipping her wine, eyebrows high, doubt written all over the face.

He’d left later that evening to go see it with Poe, on what would become one of their first dates. When he’d returned, he sung the film’s praises with red eyes and a knowing look. “You’ll see it. I know you will,” he’d predicted. “And then you’ll cry, like me, and you’ll understand.” 

It was only now that he had quieted down about it and started teasing her about other things that she had decided to see what all the fuss was about. 

Rey watched the screen as Saoirse Ronan paced around the attic, venting to Laura Dern about the weight of womanhood in the nineteenth century. 

> JO
> 
> (Crying, trying to explain herself to herself)
> 
> Women…, they have minds, and they have souls as well as just hearts, ambition, and talent, as well as just beauty.
> 
> And I’m sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. But... I am so lonely. 

Rey’s eyes were suddenly bright with tears, too. _Oh_. She forgot all about the ice cream still on her sweatshirt. No wonder her friend had wanted her to watch this one. 

* * *

When the credits finally rolled, and Rey began to wipe away tear tracks on her face, she stood up from her bed and stretched, yawning. 

“Being a woman is a Catch-22, BeeBee.” She said, directing her words at the fluffy orange cat sitting at the end of her bed, who had joined her one-woman viewing party towards the end of the third act. “Be glad you’re not a human.” 

Pausing, she cocked her head at the cat, then added, “Or a woman.” 

She padded out into the hallway, briefly checking the apartment to see if Finn had snuck in without her noticing. Seeing no sign of intelligent life anywhere, she walked into the bathroom, and sighed. Finn had been right; she _had_ cried. 

_Stupid Academy,_ she thought, suddenly vicious. _Greta deserved more_. 

Catching her reflection as she shut the door behind her, Rey moved closer to the sink and slowly examined the face in the mirror. Mascara was now very smudged around the steady hazel eyes gazing back at her, still bright from unshed tears. Rey blinked, and watched as a single tear escaped down the face of her reflection. Freckles danced around in constellations on full cheeks, shifting across cream-colored skin as she wrinkled her nose. A mix of emotions flew around in Rey. The face in the mirror let out a long sigh, and Rey did, too. 

It wasn’t just the movie, though Jo’s admission of loneliness had certainly struck a chord in Rey. For the past week or so, she’d been feeling _off_ about her friendship with Finn. Rooming with Finn Storm was usually a fun experience. They watched movies together, cooked (or tried to cook) together, and talked about boys together; he was a clean and considerate roommate, and always made sure to check in on Rey, which felt nice. They’d met in an Intro to Psych class freshman year, bonding after learning that they had both grown up in foster care. As soon as the university let them pick their own roommates, they’d moved in together. In the four years since, Finn had begun to feel more like family than mere friend to Rey––to the point that they even listed each other as “next of kin” on emergency forms. 

But recently, Rey had started noticing that when–– _if––_ Finn came home, he usually wasn’t alone. 

“Maybe Poe should start paying rent,” she grumbled at her reflection. Her reflection nodded in agreement. 

Rey was happy for Finn, really. The boy deserved something good after all that he’d been through in life, and Rey could sense Poe’s true affection for him. It was just that, well––Thursday night movie nights used to be _sacred_ to her and Finn, and for the past three Thursdays, she’d eaten her ice cream and watched movies alone. 

She’d taken the opportunity to study Finn and Poe together on Monday night, at the studio. Standing at the same height, heated gazes full of affection clear on their faces, Rey had noticed the ease with which Finn and Poe carried themselves, oblivious to whomever was watching. They looked good together. 

_I want what they have_ , Rey thought suddenly. 

And then, as if called by her admission, warm, dark eyes suddenly appeared in her mind. Rey gasped. A warm hand grasping hers in a grip both strong and sturdy, its owner peering down at her with a kind of intense curiosity. Rey looked down at her right hand, the tingles she’d first experienced on Monday night returning. _What the_ –– 

“Rey!” 

Jerked out of her reverie by the sound of Finn’s voice, Rey quickly shook her head. _Get it together, Johnson_. “In here, Finn!” she called, pulling open the bathroom door. She turned back to the sink to splash water on her face, pointedly avoiding her reflection as she patted her cheeks with a towel. 

“Hey, Peanut,” Finn poked his head into the bathroom. “Whatcha doin?” 

“Nothing,” Rey said quickly, hanging up the towel again and turning towards the door. “How did your date go?” 

Finn grinned. Then Poe stuck his head in under Finn’s arm. “Hey, peanut!” 

“AAH!” Rey cried with surprise, stumbling backwards, hitting her hip hard against the counter. _Speak of the devil._ Groaning, she rubbed the spot, certain she was going to have a bruise. “What the hell, guys? I didn’t hear you come in at all.” 

“We were sneaky,” Finn chortled, stepping fully into the doorway. Poe grabbed Finn around the waist from behind, hugging him as they began to sway in the doorway. 

Rey rolled her eyes, still rubbing at her hip. “Ugh, get a room.” 

“Oh we plan to,” Poe promised, kissing the back of Finn’s neck. 

Rey scrunched up her nose. “Ugh, seriously.” 

Finn continued to grin at her, then let out a giggle as Poe reached his ear. “Babe, babe, stop, I want to ask Rey,” he whispered. Poe let out a short laugh, and released Finn, coming around to lean on the other side of the open door. 

Rey shifted uncomfortably, sensing an ambush, glancing between the two men blocking her escape route. “Ask me what?” 

Finn and Poe looked at each other knowingly, then Finn started, turning to grin at her, “Ask you… about Ben.” 

Rey’s eyes widened. Unbidden, brown eyes appeared again in her mind. _No way_. She pushed the thought away, and let out a loud snort. “Ben who?”

Finn laughed. “Perfect delivery, Peanut.” He winked at her. 

Poe smiled, and shrugged. “Ben, you know––my best friend, who you couldn’t stop giving…” he paused dramatically, “eye contact… to the other day in your class.” 

Finn guffawed, bringing his fist up to his mouth, and Rey’s eyebrows shot up her forehead in further disbelief. “Excuse me?” she scoffed, feeling her heart begin to pound faster. 

Poe smirked. “Yeah, you know the one. Tall, dark hair, weirdly out of breath the whole time.” He looked at Rey pointedly, “Hot––really fucking hot.” 

“Yeah he is,” said Finn darkly. Poe’s eyes didn’t waver from Rey’s face, watching her closely. Rey struggled to return her features to an expression of neutrality, her heart still pounding in her chest. _Do they know? They can’t know…_

Poe stared at her for another second, then glanced down at his nails, quiet for a moment. 

“He couldn’t keep his eyes off you either,” he said, finally, eyes darting up to take in her response. 

Rey let out a deep breath, then looked down to hide the blush slowly burning her cheeks. She closed her eyes and allowed the memories to return for a second––her, sitting on the bike up front, facing the class, watching the hot new guy across the studio. Because damn, he _was_ hot. And he was so…large...on that bike. 

She remembered his eyes again, dark as night from that distance, catching her off guard. She’d been so surprised by the look on his face that she had skipped a set of runs during their warmup. Thankfully, no one had noticed. 

And when Poe had called out that it was his first class, well… She’d gathered her wits about her and _flirted_. She couldn’t help it. It was just so sweet, the way he was trying so hard to keep up with her, the way his large hands had gripped the handlebars like they were the only thing keeping him steady. 

She’d tried so hard to avoid staring at him throughout the class, she really did. But whenever she sensed his head was down, her eyes drifted to him, mesmerized. _Who was this guy?_ She’d wanted to call him out again to see that adorably embarrassed look on his face again, but she figured once was enough on his first day.

Lord knows she didn’t really want to scare him away. 

And then, after class, that _handshake_. She thought about it again, that strong grasp, that wonder in his gaze. Her whole arm had tingled for the rest of the night. She’d warred with herself more than she’d care to admit about those deep brown eyes. But she couldn’t let Finn and Poe know that. 

Steeling her mind, she opened her eyes and looked at the pair of them grinning like fools. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said cooly. 

The result was instantaneous. 

“WHAT?! You can’t be serious!” shouted Poe, his earlier nonchalance gone. 

“Rey, you have to know he’s hot!” cried Finn. At this, Poe put his hands on his hips and turned to Finn, “Do we need to have a chat?” 

Rey saw her opportunity and grabbed it, pushing past them to hurry back into her bedroom. But before she could close her door, Poe’s foot was there, jamming it. “Rey, come on! You can’t deny that was chemistry brewing!” he shouted through the door. 

Rey strained, pushing against the door, but the boys pushed back. 

“Come on, guys, let it go!” Rey yelled through the wood. _This is so childish._ Strategizing quickly, she let go of the door, stepping back as the boys fell in. “Hey!” they shouted in unison, tumbling to the ground. 

Smirking, she stalked back to her bed and sat next to BeeBee, who had been calmly observing the spectacle. She tickled his ears, and he started to purr as the boys picked themselves off the ground. 

“Rude,” muttered Finn.

“Yeah, well,” Rey retorted. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

“Why are you resisting this?” Poe demanded, rising to his feet. “You guys clearly were staring at each other the whole time––I want Ben to be happy, Finn wants you to be happy, you clearly hit it off––I’m sorry, am I missing something? Do you not want us to hook you up with a fuckable redwood?” Finn gaped at him. 

“I can say that,” Poe defended, turning to Finn quickly. “I’m being objective. He’s like my brother.” At this, Finn scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

Poe looked back at Rey imploringly, hands on his hips, “Well? What is it? Why can’t you even admit that you were attracted to him? I was there, Rey! I sat next to him! You guys were like, I don’t know, magnets for each other, it was crazy to watch.” He laughed suddenly. “At some point, I even stopped trying to keep up with you just so I could watch––whatever that was. It was hot.” 

Finn nodded along, looking at Rey inquisitively. 

Rey looked down at BeeBee again, still stroking his fur. She was blushing so hard at Poe’s description of their introduction that she felt like her ears were burning. 

There was a moment of silence. 

“Look,” Rey started, trying to decide how to shut them down kindly without making a big deal out of it. “It’s not like I didn’t think he was attractive, because you’re both right, he totally was––is,” she corrected. Finn and Poe both grinned. 

“But,” she continued, glowering now at the pair of them. “I don’t want to be set up, I don’t want your ‘help’ with this,” putting up air quotes. “If it happens, it happens––don’t meddle. I–” she sighed heavily, a weight suddenly settling on her chest. “I just, I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet.” 

“Ready for––” Poe started, but Finn put one hand on his boyfriend’s chest and stepped forward, understanding slowly breaking over his face. 

“Rey,” Finn said, hesitantly. She looked up at him hesitantly. Finn would see right through her. “Does this have anything to do with, with – uh, with Jake?” 

Rey looked away quickly, avoiding the answer to his question, thereby proving him right. She felt her breathing speeding up. Jesus, just his name was enough for her to start hyperventilating. 

“Jake? Who’s Jake?” Poe demanded. He crossed his arms again, and he looked between Finn and Rey. 

“He was a– a…” Rey tried to slow her breathing down, but instead, she felt tears pricking in the corners of her eyes. _Don’t think about it, don’t think about it._

“Aw, Peanut, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about that,” Finn said gently, striding across the room to sit next to her and BeeBee. He threw an arm around her shoulder, and she leaned into him stiffly. He rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. 

“I shouldn’t even care, I shouldn’t still feel this way _,_ ” Rey said angrily, brushing the tear away. This time, a pair of calculating, pale blue eyes appeared in her mind, and Rey winced. “It’s done, it’s over, it happened – I’m okay,” she said loudly, unconvincingly. _He has nothing to do with Ben!_ Rey thought desperately, willing the offending blue eyes to go away. 

Poe was still standing near the door, now looking unsure. “Uhh… Sorry, Rey, I, oh shit, sorry.” He scratched his head in embarrassment. “Was he an ex––uh, you know? I shouldn’t pry, sorry. Do you want me to go?” he amended quickly 

Rey shook her head, taking a deep breath to try to get a handle on her seemingly unpredictable emotions. BeeBee meowed at her imploringly, interrupting her thoughts, his yellow eyes wide as they peered up at her. She gave him a tight smile, and began to pet his head again, listening to his comforting purr. 

“Uhh… I guess, yeah? He’s kind of an… ex?” She answered Poe, then spared a short mournful look up at Finn. 

“If that’s what you want to call him,” he said quietly, nodding, his eyes laser focused on her face. 

Suddenly, Rey felt a rush of gratitude for Finn, and she leaned into him for real. He rubbed comforting circles into her shoulder, squeezing occasionally, as she sat quietly, remembering how he was there for her the entire week she cried. He had made sure she ate real food, made sure she left their apartment at least once a day, stayed home from class with her, watched the same comfort movies with her over and over until he could say all the lines as well as she could. He had kept her smiling when it was a chore to do so. 

Rey felt a small pang of guilt for the mild irritation she’d entertained earlier. Of _course_ she was happy for Finn and Poe. 

She closed her eyes, and a different memory overtook her, _on the couch––_ my couch, she thought desperately, beginning to hyperventilate again _––and a pair of pale blue eyes that were leaning towards her, and she was frozen with fear, and he just kept leaning in, and her mind went blank because she’s supposed to like this right? But why couldn’t he see that she wasn’t saying anything, she wasn’t responding, and he just kept going, and that’s too close and––_

“Stop!” Rey gasped, flinging her eyes open, her heart beating out of her chest, able to say the one word she wasn’t able to say then. 

Finn was still there, now holding her hand, and Poe was crouching on the floor in front of her, concern written on his face. She took gasping breaths, and let herself take a minute to come down from her panic. Anger, fear, uncertainty raced through her at lightning speed. That unpleasant experience had been more than a year ago. _Shouldn’t I be able to move on?_ she implored at her subconscious, who stubbornly refused to respond. 

The next words she spoke were directed at Poe, once she got her breathing under control. “I don’t know–I can’t–not sure if I’m interested right now, okay Poe?” Poe nodded. 

“Sorry, Rey,” he whispered, and he took her other hand, and held it tight. 

“It’s okay,” Rey said, firmly, not sure whether she was directing it towards herself or the boys. “It’s okay,” she repeated, sniffling, taking long, deep breaths, letting the silence linger as exhaustion set in. _How did we get onto this subject?_ she thought tiredly. 

She sat up suddenly and ripped her hand out of Poe’s grasp, the point of the boys’ original ambush returning to her. “You better not say anything to Ben, Poe,” she said menacingly, wagging a finger of the hand he had just been holding at him. 

Poe avoided her gaze, a sheepish look on his face. 

Rey gaped at him, discomfort roiling in her stomach, adding to her sudden fatigue. “You already talked to him about me?” 

Hunching his shoulders, Poe muttered something unintelligible. 

“What was that?” Rey cocked her head, leaning down to his level where he sat on the floor. 

“PromiseIwon’tsayanything _else_ ,” he said in a rush, finally meeting her gaze. 

Rey nodded, still feeling uncomfortable, but sure that Poe would keep his word. “You better,” she warned apprehensively. 

She then stood up so quickly that she scared BeeBee, who scampered out of the room like he had been electrocuted, and walked towards the door. She wiped at her eyes–– _so many tears tonight––_ and waved her arm towards the hallway, “And now, I think, it’s time for you both to leave.” 

Finn nodded with understanding and stood, while Poe grumbled on the floor for another minute. Rey thought she heard the words “perfect for each other” before she cleared her throat to urge him on. 

“Coming, coming––oh, hey, what were you watching?” He caught a glimpse of her still-open laptop. He squinted at it, “Little Women?” 

Finn, who by now was at the door, whirled around to gape at Rey. “You watched it _without_ me?” 

She smiled impishly. “Mayyybe…” 

Finn grabbed at his chest mockingly. “I’m hurt!” he cried. Rey laughed softly. She’d talk with him later. “Oh peanut, we have so much to talk about,” he shouted joyfully, grabbing her hands. “Did you love it? Did you notice the color contrast between past and present? What did you think of our boy TChalamet as Laurie?” 

Rey laughed again at his exuberant questioning, sensing that he wanted to distract her, but she felt too emotionally drained to indulge. “Short answer is, I loved it. But can we talk about this more tomorrow? I just want to go to sleep.” 

Finn pulled her in for a hug, and she kissed him on the cheek, trying to convey her affection for him through her action.

“Awww, I love a love fest,” Poe cried, throwing his arms around the both of them, smashing Rey in between them. “Ughh,” Rey groaned, stuck in the middle. _What an emotional rollercoaster of a night. “_ What am I going to do with you two?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	3. Back in the Saddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a BRITNEY CLASS, PEOPLE! 
> 
> Get excited. I know Ben and Rey are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [Work B**ch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra-h_p-vD2s), Britney Spears
> 
> [Me Against the Music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0suJD0FwDX4), Britney Spears ft. Madonna
> 
> [Toxic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICjG8t_SnSg), Britney Spears

**Chapter 3: Back in the Saddle**

Ben didn’t know how or why, but somehow, Monday night, he found himself back in the saddle. Literally. 

“One-two-one-two, let’s get those legs moving!” Rey yelled out, as her athletes pumped their legs in unison, seeming to Ben like a troop following their leader into battle. 

_And I guess we are,_ Ben thought to himself. 

It appeared that Rey had a bit of a cult following with the locals. He’d overheard at least two people walking in swear to each other that if Rey wasn’t teaching the class, they’d probably ditch. _Same_ , he’d thought with a grim smile. As soon as she’d entered the room, he watched students approach her left and right asking for advice on cycling shoes or hints about what playlist she had ready to go for class.

It didn’t stop him from cursing her methods, though, _and_ his determination to see her again, as he panted through a sprint. 

_This is all Poe Dameron’s fault_ , Ben thought, gritting his teeth. Driving out of the parking lot last week––because Poe had insisted on driving (something about Ben maybe not showing up if Poe didn’t get him there himself)––Poe had waxed lyrical about Rey, as an instructor and a person, as if he could sense where Ben’s thoughts were inevitably headed. 

_“You know, she’s single,” Poe said, as he pulled up to a stoplight, turning to look at Ben._

_Ben stared out the passenger window. “Hmmm,” he hummed noncommittally, his thoughts back at the studio where they had touched hands less than a half hour before._

_“Yeah, Finn says she’s not seeing anyone.” He drummed his hands on the wheel, before throwing Ben a furtive glance that Ben caught out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah, so… Now that you know that information…” Poe started, hopefully._

_Ben turned towards him abruptly. “What are you trying to say, Poe?”_

_Poe gave his Prius some gas as the light turned green. “What I’m saying, Ben,” he said a little forcefully. “Is that you literally couldn’t keep your eyes off her the whole damn class. And I think she’s great, and she’s Finn’s best friend, and I know that you’ve been––” He stopped talking suddenly._

_“What, Poe?” Ben bit at him. “I’ve been what?”_

_Poe sighed, his eyes on the road. “You’ve been lonely.”_

_Ben looked out the window again._

If he had hoped that the topic of Rey would be tabled after their car ride, he was very wrong. The next day at work, it was more of the same. Poe even offered to get her number from Finn. He badgered Ben about it so much that Ben had to roar at him to drop the subject in front of two new interns, because yes, Poe was the type to bring up deeply personal topics in an open office layout. Later, Ben’s frustration at Poe only mounting, the day had ended with Ben slamming his office door in Poe’s face. 

Ben didn’t need Poe to remind him about Rey. He could do that on his own. It seemed like whenever he closed his eyes, he could still see her surprised face staring back at him from across the room. And if he tried a little, he could still feel that tingle from where their hands had touched. 

He’d yelled at Poe enough throughout the week that by Friday, Poe was silent on the subject, their talk business and nothing more. A small part of him felt guilty for shutting him down and shouting at him, when he knew Poe cared about him like a brother, but a louder part posited that Poe’s matchmaking skills were _infuriating_. It wasn’t that Ben didn’t listen when Poe shared details about Rey… he did. It was just that Poe had a way of forcing his way into other people’s lives, and Ben didn’t care for that. 

_If it happens, it happens_ , Ben thought. 

By Saturday, he’d resolved that he would put the matter to rest. He just… wouldn’t think about her. _If it happens, it happens_ , he thought again. Maybe they’d see each other, maybe they wouldn’t. Their chance encounter would just become a blip of happiness in his normally bland existence. 

But when Sunday morning rolled around, he woke up _knowing_ that he needed to see her again, to make sure the connection he’d felt the week before wasn’t just something he’d made up in his head. He would go again to spin class, he decided, and if––no, _when,_ he resolved––there was nothing, no spark, he would move on. Back to normal. 

Which was how he found himself on Monday night, heading up another damn invisible mountain, pounding out the beat to Britney Spears’ classic anthem, “Work B**tch,” sweating like an overflowing gutter in a rainstorm. He had no idea this form of exercise was going to exert him this much. _My endurance is absolute shit_ , Ben lamented savagely. He probably smelled bad. His thighs really hurt. And his ass was sore from the unforgiving bike seat. 

Thankfully, he’d arrived early enough to claim the same bike as the week before, all the way in the back of the studio, meaning he was as far away from Rey’s instructor bike as he could be. _Small mercies_ , he thought desperately. _Maybe she won’t see me from back here_. But even as he thought it, he knew it was stupid; she had seen him just fine the week before. And wasn’t the point of him coming back here to determine whether or not their spark from last week was real? 

Deciding then was as good a time as ever to test his theory, he slowly rolled his gaze up to the front of the room, his heart giving a small jump in his chest as he took in her lithe form making quick work of the beat. _Get a grip, Solo!_ Mercifully, Rey was looking elsewhere, guiding a dark-haired woman in the front row, her mic shoved down under her chin. Ben let himself observe her, his feet stuttering from their formerly steady pace. 

She was wearing bright orange; Ben had no idea why. It seemed like she enjoyed… matching pieces? Her orange sports bra was simple, almost like a tank top, and she wore matching orange leggings. He saw again that small tattoo above her right elbow, and wondered, not for the last time, what it was. He watched her chat amiably with the other student, nodding her head as she pointed to the other woman’s feet. Her hair was up, most of it out of her face, though as he watched her, a light brown strand fell down in front of her eyes. 

Frowning, she brushed it away from her face, turning her face slightly to push it back behind her ear. He watched her survey the class when, without warning––Ben sucked in a breath. She had spotted him. Ben continued to hold his breath as their eyes met, that same thrill running through him as new and surprising as the week before. 

She stared at him, mouth agape, apparently forgetting the other woman, who was still looking at her expectantly. Ben smiled crookedly at her, unable to help himself. She hesitated, then spared him a small grin, too. 

Ben let out his breath, aware again of his legs moving––he hadn’t stopped riding today, as he had last week––and the music blaring through the speakers. It was real, then. This connection, this pull he felt towards her. She had to feel it, too, right? 

She had to. 

* * *

_He’s here again_ , thought Rey, as she stared at Ben’s dark form in the back of the studio. _He came back._ She hadn’t noticed him come in with the rest of the class; how, she wondered, she had missed his tall frame––she’d guess he towered at more than 6 feet––she had no idea. Maybe there was part of her that wanted to not notice him, to avoid confronting those feelings from last week. 

After her talk with Finn and Poe last Thursday night, she’d wracked her brain to come up with an answer for how she felt about her attraction to Ben, and what she was still holding onto with Jake. She’d come to the conclusion that she was still mostly confused, and definitely still hurt. 

The confusion had to do with Ben and their connection, the hurt––that was about Jake. The thing with Jake had absolutely nothing to do with Ben, but also, if she was truly as attracted to Ben as her recurring dreams of his warm, brown eyes seemed to believe she was, then it had everything to do with Ben.

_But Ben was here!_

Rey thought she remembered saying something to him last week about trying her class again, but… it was hard to remember that conversation beyond the memory of his intense look, taking in her form, shaking her hand, and generally making her feel, dually, the most confused and excited she’d felt in a long time. 

But now, somehow, he had returned. 

She searched the back row again, but wasn’t able to spot Poe. Something in her chest warmed. He had come back for her, without his friend. Or… at least, he’d come back for the class. And from what she could tell from her view at the front, he was still struggling, no matter how steady his gaze. 

Concealing a smirk, she bit her lip and looked down at her handlebars, thinking about how to proceed. She’d initially planned on a long, arduous trek, with a lot of arm movements––this was a Britney class, after all, they might as well dance, but––

“Umm, Rey?” A tentative voice interrupted her thoughts. 

_Shit! Rose!_ Rey straightened like she had been zapped, and quickly looked at her friend in the front row, who was pedaling slower than the rest of the group. Rose was staring at her, a questioning look in her eyes. 

This was Rose’s first class; Rey had been trying to get her to come for months. Rose had been game, but only because Rey had promised to talk her through it. She wracked her brain, desperately trying to remember what she had been saying to Rose before she had locked eyes with Ben, without success. 

She decided to feign ignorance, and smiled at her friend encouragingly, like she hadn’t just spaced out for a full minute daydreaming about a man twenty feet away. “You’re doing great, Rose,” she said, loud enough for the other woman to hear over the music. “Dig your heels in when you pedal, and make sure to focus on your quads. Pull as much as you push.” 

Rose nodded, seemingly placated. She looked down at her feet, furrowed her brow and began to pedal slightly faster, though still not yet on the beat. 

Sighing with relief, not daring to check the back corner again, Rey brought her mic back up to her mouth, turned down the music, and decided to have mercy. 

“You know, you all are looking great!” A few people whooped, and a smile broke out over her face. She loved the energy in this room. Before this job, she’d never thought she would find such a welcoming, wholesome community. Rey had always been a loner, fending for herself–– before meeting Finn of course––and her success at the studio was just an indication of how far she’d come. Now she had this _family_ and it was _wonderful._

“Britney would be so proud of you all,” she continued, “And I think you deserve to be rewarded for that. We’re gonna take it down a bit to give you a break––wouldn’t want you to get so worked up you shave your head!” Rey heard a few groans at that, and grinned again. 

From the corner of her eye, she saw Ben looking in her direction. She couldn’t afford to look at him right now, but maybe in a minute… “Keep your resistance down between 12 and 15 while we scale it back and work it out to Britney and her BFF Madonnaaaaaa.” 

Whipping her mic down below her chin, she turned quickly to Rose and raised her voice over the cheers echoing throughout the studio, “Rose, keep yours between eight and 10.” The other woman nodded, and Rey, satisfied that her friend wouldn’t overexert herself, pulled her mic back up. 

“C’mon, ladies and gentlemen… It’s just you against the music. Let me see you dance.” 

Thumbing a sequence into her phone, she selected the 2003 beat, and gradually let her own resistance drop as she pedaled along steadily, a plan slowly forming in her mind.

> _All my people on the floor / Let me see you dance._
> 
> _All my people wanting more / Let me see you dance._
> 
> _All my people round and round / Let me see you dance._
> 
> _All my people in the crowd / Let me see you dance._

* * *

Ben watched her ride, his own legs feeling relief at the lower resistance. Rey had seemed surprised that he was there, if he was reading her expressions correctly. He hadn’t meant to shock her by coming back––hadn’t she told him that it got easier with every class? A sudden fear sliced through him. 

_What if she thinks I’m stalking her?_

His stomach plummeted. _That’s not what I’m doing_ , he told himself quickly. 

_But you’re not coming for the class, you’re coming for… her_ , a small voice replied. Groaning, he quickly hid his face in his towel. _I’m not a stalker, I’m not a stalker_. But by then, the fear had been deeply planted in his mind, and he half-thought about leaving as quickly as possible. 

Seeking reassurance, he looked up at the front of the room towards Rey’s bike, only to find that she wasn’t on it. Looking wildly around the room, he watched other athletes pedaling normally, seemingly unaffected by her absence. Then, he heard her voice magnified around the room. 

“Okay, so if by now, you are feeling your breathing more steady, and you’re ready for a challenge, Madonna and Britney will meet you there. Increase your resistance by 2, but keep your pace steady.” 

_Where was her voice coming from?_

“Hi!” A loud female voice shouted at his left elbow. 

“Gah!” Ben shouted in alarm, causing a few students around him to look at him in surprise and concern. He looked down towards the source of the voice to find Rey–– _Rey!––_ standing next to him. 

She grinned up at him, and he couldn’t help grinning back, acutely aware of how close she was.

“Thought you might need some help,” she spoke loudly, a large grin still etched on her face. 

“Uhh…” Ben stammered, looking around at the other students. 

Rey took a step closer. “That’s my friend Rose, up front.” She pointed to the woman up front Ben had seen her conversing with. “It’s her first class, and I’ve been coaching her through it. When I saw you back here,” she took a breath and coughed. Ben looked at her with concern. She shook her head, then repeated, “When I saw you back here, it reminded me of last week, when Poe said it was your first class, and I realized I wasn’t being a, umm… I wouldn’t be a good teacher, if I didn’t look out for my newest athletes.” She looked up at him, an unsteady frown suddenly appearing on her face. 

“Umm, yeah, sure,” Ben stammered again, quickly feeling the need to reassure her. Did he need help? Was his form that bad? Last week, Poe had just shown him where to put his feet, and told him to watch the other riders to catch up on the rest. 

Rey’s face lit up at his agreement. She pointed at his feet, and he followed the movement. “You want to keep your heels down, and every so often, wiggle your toes, to make sure you aren’t tensing up unnecessarily,” she told him. 

“O-kay,” he responded, unsure, trying to wiggle his toes inside his shoes. The music blared overhead. She was really close to him, and he tried not to think about how he could smell something fruity, like coconut, coming from her hair, which was level at about his shoulder. He tried to subtly lean over and sniff without drawing her attention, unsure how he was still functioning with her this close. _Yep, definitely coconut._

“Then you want to think about sitting back all the way on your Sitz bones when you’re in the saddle.” Unexpectedly, she grabbed his hips and placed slight pressure there, causing him to sit back fully on the saddle and stutter his rhythmic pedaling. 

Also causing… other things. 

Ben exhaled loudly. Her hands were warm on his hips and she was _touching_ him. The warm feeling he remembered from their handshake was back, now radiating from the two spots on his body where her hands _were still touching him!_ All the hair on his arms stood up as shivers raced around to his front. Ben felt something _else_ rising, too, and quickly realized that in this position he was too close to her to protect her from seeing what just her hands on his hips could do to him. 

Rey, it seemed, was perfectly unaffected, and had even continued, “When you’re standing up, you want to make sure you grab the top part of the handlebars, unless we’re doing a set, okay?” She released the pressure on his hips, and began pointing out different parts of the bike to him. 

Ben nodded, barely listening, sweating profusely despite the easy ride. If she didn’t think him a stalker, she was definitely going to think him a pervert if she took one look down into his lap, which, again, she was far too close to. He swallowed. _What the fuck is wrong with you, Ben?_

“––so then next week, we can make sure the bike is in the right position before you hop on, does that sound like a plan, Ben?” 

At the sound of his name, Ben turned to her, making eye contact once more. Her hazel eyes were bright, and seemed to sparkle in the low lighting of the studio. Overcompensating for the uncomfortable position he was in–– _who the fuck gets a semi while riding a bike_ , he thought to himself––he bent down, throwing his back toward her to try to shield her from the view, and viciously nodded at her, wetting his lips. “Yep, definitely,” he heard himself say in a slightly high voice. 

Rey frowned with concern. “You okay?” 

Before he could answer, he heard the song change to a new Britney tune, one that had the rest of the class screaming with delight. _Thank God for Britney Spears_. Huh. That was a sentence he’d never thought he’d think. He watched Rey push her microphone back up to her mouth and stride towards the front of the room without as much as a backwards glance. 

Which, he thought, looking down at his front, was probably for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	4. Fired Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DEAR LORDE THESE TWO! (it's a Lorde class, people, let's heat this place up)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [Yellow Flicker Beat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1S9HUNoI4k) // Lorde
> 
> [Green Light](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJuygTp7ydE) // Lorde
> 
> * * *

**Chapter 4: Fired Up**

Ben didn’t miss a single one of Rey’s classes for three straight Mondays. 

He sat in “his” bike every Monday night, at the very back of the studio, and sweated more than he’d ever done in his life through every challenging workout Rey threw at him. By the third class, he had to concede that she had been right; it did get easier every time. His ass wasn’t as sore as it had been at first, and he could feel greater strength in his quads and hamstrings, allowing him to increase the level of resistance every time. He’d even started running an additional two times a week to work up his endurance, after coming to the realization that his was complete shit. 

_The hardest part,_ he readily admitted to himself on Monday night while sitting through an inconsequential meeting led by Poe, _is being in close proximity to her._ Because while, sure, yeah, the rest of his body was getting used to the exercise, his dick had other ideas, often twitching at the slightest smirk she’d throw him when she increased the resistance. Or, worse, when she physically checked in on him during class, coming so close to him that he could see the gold flecks in her eyes when she peered up at him through her lashes. He convinced himself that prolonged exposure to her would probably cure this inadvertent bodily reaction. 

Probably.

Poe had accompanied Ben a couple times, but it was better when Ben went to Rey’s class alone. He felt less embarrassed when he spent more time than necessary staring up at the instructor, and didn’t have to field not-so-subtle “I told you so” looks from Poe. 

He’d observed her plucky spirit during the first class, of course, when she’d called him out and let him know she was “happy to be his first”––a memory that still gave him shivers up his spine. But what he hadn’t noticed then was the gentle peace that she brought to class, too; every bit a part of her routine as humor and intensity. That quiet reverence appeared in the slow moments, after a huge run or during a cooldown, when she asked the class to focus on the small victories, like just showing up to class and being present. He was constantly surprised by her tactics, the way she wove both fire and ice into her routines, balancing a difficult run with a slower cooldown. He suspected she planned these routines in advance, but something about her style screamed _instinct_. He couldn’t get enough of it. 

Monday was quickly becoming his favorite day of the week. 

On this particular Monday evening, though, Ben realized, he was running late. He drummed his fingers on the conference table impatiently, then threw a frown at Poe. _This meeting could have been an email_ . Poe returned his frown with raised eyebrows and a warning glance. Ben fidgeted in his chair, watching the clock on the wall inched closer and closer to 6pm. _If I leave now, I’d get there with 5 minutes to spare… 4 minutes to spare..._

The idea of missing Rey’s class was unthinkable. And Poe knew–– _he knew!_ ––that Ben had agreed to this meeting only because Poe had said they’d be done by 5pm. They’d even covered everything on the agenda. But the meeting had still gone more than a half hour over. Ben frowned at Poe again, puzzled. Was he…? At that moment, Poe had the gall to ask, staring straight at Ben, “So who’s everyone’s favorite in The Masked Singer?” and Ben realized that Poe was fucking with him. 

Feeling murderous, Ben jumped up from his chair, and raced around the table, semi-aware of the incredulous looks thrown his way from the rest of their team. He ignored them as he walked out––he was managing partner of the firm, after all––only pausing briefly by Poe to breathe in his ear, “You asshole.” 

Poe grinned, and replied loudly for the rest of the room to hear, “Enjoy your class, Solo.” Ben heard muttering as he exited the room, and faintly heard Poe say, “Yeah, Solo’s takes continuing education very seriously, kids. He’s practically the teacher’s pet.” Ben smirked. _What a fucking asshole_. 

Ben sped down to the parking garage and fired up his black BMW, glancing at the clock on his dash. _Shit_ . If it took him the usual twenty minutes to get across town, he was only going to get there with a minute to spare. Nervous energy boiled in his gut as he sped towards Rey’s studio, zooming around cars he deemed were going too slow (they were going the speed limit), and slamming on the gas any time he jumped through an intersection (no red lights were gonna stop _him_ ), only vaguely aware that he was acting slightly insane for a man about to be a _minute_ late for a _fitness class_. 

Even with all his speeding and questionably legal driving tactics, Ben barely made it to a skidding stop in the studio parking lot by 5:59pm.

_One minute_ , he thought, desperation taking hold, barely acknowledging the girl––Katie? Kayla?––at reception as he stormed past her to head to the locker room, a scowl on his face. He changed hastily, not even bothering to fold his suit jacket and pants as he stuffed them back into his workout bag. _That’s what dry clean is for, right?_ Then, after adjusting himself in his new bike shorts (because he was goddamn _committed_ now), he jogged towards Rey’s class and pulled up short at the doorway, out of breath. He glanced at his watch. Three minutes late. _Fuck._ He couldn’t see Rey from the doorway, but he recognized some other usual suspects and the eclectic, booming beat. Ben took a deep breath and stepped into the dimly lit room. 

Quiet as he could, Ben made his way towards his usual bike in the corner, praying for the gift of invisibility. He didn’t know what he’d do if Rey noticed him, wound up as he was. He furrowed his brow again. _Fucking Poe_. 

Ben took another deep breath, then abruptly stopped. 

Someone else was on his bike. 

Smooth frustration threatened to overtake him. That was _his_ bike, the one he’d sat in since the first class. Ben glared at the man who had stolen his bike, internally cursing him out. The pale man, who had startlingly bright red hair, didn’t even glance up at Ben, seemingly focused on his feet. Ben looked at him closely, his frustration ebbing, slowly giving way to… recognition? 

A particularly loud club-like beat shocked him out of his reverie, disturbing his analysis of the offending douche in his bike. He shook his head, and squared his shoulders. _Right_ . _There has to be an empty one._

After throwing another frustratingly curious glance at the man sitting on _his_ bike, Ben began weaving through the maze of bikes, finally spotting an unoccupied one… in the very front row. Ben actually stopped breathing. Did he dare? 

But by then, Rey had seen him. 

“Hey big guy!” he heard over the speakers. Looking up at her, he swallowed. She was like a burst of sunshine at the front of the studio, grinning at him. _Literal sunshine_ , he thought, taking in her outfit for tonight’s class, letting out his breath slowly. A yellow wrap top met yellow leggings as she rotated her legs on the bike. “You’re late! Come on up here!” She waved her hand at him, pointing to the empty bike he’d seen in the front. 

Grimacing, he walked up to the bike. It wasn’t just in the front row; it was directly in front of her. _This will be interesting_ , he mused, as he adjusted the bike and quickly mounted it, moving his legs to catch up with the music. 

Rey pulled her microphone down below her chin, so the rest of the class couldn’t hear. “Almost thought you weren’t coming,” she said. Ben saw a flicker of something in her eyes, but was gone too quickly for him to decipher. 

“Late meeting,” he grunted out as he slowly gathered speed. 

Nodding, Rey replaced her microphone by her mouth, and started speaking to the class. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that we’re all here,” her eyes flickered towards Ben, then back to the rest of the group. “Let’s heat this place up a bit.” Whoops and hollers echoed around the studio, and Ben felt his face contort once more into a scowl. 

Heat? She wanted to add _heat_ ? While he was sitting in the _front row?_

* * *

Rey knew she was playing with fire as soon as Ben took the bike right in front of her. God, she had forgotten just how fit he was, even though she’d just seen him the week before. 

He’d started coming regularly, as often as some of her other athletes. _Her fan club_ , Finn liked to call them. People did seem to return week after week to come to her class. She just chalked it up to routine. But part of her was truly tickled pink that _Ben_ was part of it. 

Kaydel, a fierce gleam in her eye, had even informed Rey on her way out last Monday that “tall, dark, and handsome” had just purchased a monthly pass from reception. Rey hadn’t known what to do with that information, so she’d just nodded, a swirling feeling of pleasure stirring around in her gut, along with a small feeling of unease ( _read: jealousy_ ) that Kaydel had also noticed that Ben was attractive. 

Of course, anyone could see his objective hotness; Poe had been right about that. Wherever he walked, women _and_ men seemed to notice him. Over the course of the past month, Rey had watched just how many heads subtly turned in his direction when he entered the studio and found his bike. She even saw some of her female regulars flip their hair or stick out their asses as he stalked past their bikes on his way to his regular spot in the studio. 

But if Rey was reading his body language right… he didn’t seem to notice _them_ in return. In fact, the only time she noticed him act anything other than cold and aloof was when he looked at _her_. And when she caught him staring from across the room, she couldn’t help her heart leaping in her chest.

She contemplated him now as he glared at the three feet of studio floor between them. His long dark hair was pushed back by a terry cloth headband, giving him a look that was straight out of an 80’s workout video. Rey giggled at the vision, biting her lower lip as she dragged her eyes over his usual all-black workout gear pulled tight around his broad shoulders and his narrow hips, paying special attention to the bike shorts––those were new, too––that left very little to the imagination. _Jesus,_ she thought, quickly tearing her eyes away from his crotch to look up at the ceiling, her breath quickening. She hadn’t expected _that_. 

From what she could tell, like the rest of him, he was lar–– _Don’t you dare finish that thought_ , she thought furiously, forcing herself to sit back on the bike and close her eyes as she felt a blush creeping across her face and neck.

_What was I thinking, inviting him up here?_ _Stupid idea_. She peeked one eye open, slightly, aware that she must look crazed to every student in the class. Ben’s focus was still on the ground, so Rey gave herself permission to look once more, her attention quickly drawn back to his thick thighs, fully on display because of the short bike shorts, and his flexing leg muscles as he worked to meet the rhythm of Lorde’s “Yellow Flicker Beat.” A brief spasm of his thigh muscle made Rey gasp, and she closed her one open eye, praying he hadn’t heard her.

Behind closed eyes, she took a deep breath. _What the hell?_ What was she even _doing_ ? Rey felt herself growing frustrated. She _hated_ when guys stared at her as she left the studio in her workout gear. Why did she think it was okay to stare at him like that? 

_Breathe_. 

She steeled herself, attempting to pull focus from the very far corners of her mind. _You can do this_ . _Don’t ogle. He’s just taking the class. He is just like any other student who pays for the class. He deserves your respect. You owe it to him and to yourself to treat him like a normal human being, AND you didn’t feel like this the last three times he came to class!_ she reminded herself firmly. 

_Yeah, BUT,_ a smaller voice replied, _that’s because he wasn’t sitting three feet away from you looking like..._

She opened her eyes again to see Ben’s dark brown eyes staring straight into her soul. _Looking like that_ , she thought weakly, feeling her determination immediately seep away through her sweaty pores as her heartbeat increased and shivers ran down her arms. _Shit_. Not good.

The energy in the room had increased while her eyes were closed. Well, Rey had promised the class heat. She regretted it now. It only made it harder for her to look Ben in the eyes, nerves suddenly clawing their way through her stomach. Because if Ben was going to stare at her like _that_ , then she was definitely in trouble. 

_Time for some quick thinking, Rey._

“Okay!” she called out to the group as a new Lorde song hit the speakers. “Let’s get this party started. Stand up, everyone! Up, up!” 

_Oh no. Bad idea, bad idea, Rey. Shit._

_Don’t look directly at it_. 

* * *

Ben smirked. Of course she was trying to kill him. That’s the only way this torture made any sense. 

He was at the top of the bike, standing up and riding, grasping the top part of the handlebars, as Rey called out, “Tap backs! Back-back, front-front! Back-back, front-front!” Ben threw his hips back, his ass nearly touching the saddle, tapping one foot, then the other, at the “back” of his bike before coming to a more erect position, tapping both pedals at the “front” of the bike, one after the other. Then he repeated. Over and over. Tap backs. Something he, since learning what they were a month ago, had never imagined would ever be arousing. 

Oh, how naive he’d been. 

His pelvis shifting with every count, Ben tried hard to focus on his legs, his feet, the bubbly beat of the song Rey had chosen for this exercise––literally anything other than the movement of his groin. Because as much as he was really, really trying to breathe deeply and remind himself that he was here to _work out_ , and that he really shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts with _Rey_ an arm’s length away, he couldn’t help but notice that he and Rey were… in sync. 

Every “tap back” meant that Rey shifted her hips back, too, right as Ben did. And every time she called for them to hit the front of the bike and tap forward, well… she and Ben rocked their hips toward each other. At the same time. And Ben noticed. In fact, he couldn’t stop noticing. He had barely gotten away clean those other times when she came to check on him in the _back row_ , and now, sitting right in front of her, rocking back and forth in sync with her _so close_ , he was pretty sure he was going to pass out from the fierce determination of trying _not to think about Rey_. He steeled his gaze on the mirrored wall behind her, refusing to meet her gaze. 

He had no idea if she was even looking at him. 

He’d held her gaze once after he’d settled into his new front-row, tortured existence, but he hadn’t been able to keep it; as soon as Ben realized how difficult it was going to be to avoid getting a full hard-on during this class, he’d been very okay with not looking directly at her for a while. Even though he wasn’t looking directly at her, he could just still just make out the curve of her ass as she sent her hips back towards the mirror every other count. And that was enough to make it a very, very challenging exercise. 

Ben swallowed. All his pent up nerves from being late had apparently transformed into straight up electricity. He felt like a live wire, hyper-aware of his limbs, the music, _Rey_ , his erratic breathing, _Rey_ , the darkness of the room, _Rey, Rey, Rey_ . How could he have thought this was a good idea, continuing to come to her class? He’d known how excited he got whenever she did anything remotely sexy, like... teach the class, or… stand next to him, or… talk to him, or–– _Fuck._ Ben let out a breath. So much for that prolonged exposure theory. 

If he was honest with himself, though, he hadn’t been able to get her out of his head for the past month. That initial spark at their first meeting had grown into a slow burn at the base of his stomach whenever he thought about her. Her wide hazel eyes seemed to show up in his mind when he least expected it. Like… in the middle of a presentation at work. Or when he was out to lunch with Poe. Or when he couldn’t sleep at night, or when he made his coffee in the morning, or–– 

Ben shook his head, his already damp hair shifting around his face. _Get a grip_ . _You barely know the woman. You can’t be this obsessed_.

That’s when he heard a high, breathy voice say, “Okay, athletes! Let’s get back to that 60-70 range. We’re doing climbs next,” and Ben finally, _finally_ , looked at Rey. 

_Okay, maybe you are this obsessed_. 

Rey was staring at him. And he couldn’t help but notice the _heat_ burning from her eyes. Her hair was sticking to her face, and she was gripping the handlebars of the bike tight enough that he could see the whites of her knuckles. She seemed out of breath, too, and if his eyes weren’t mistaken, she was unnaturally flushed and he could see her nipples through her yellow sports bra. 

Ben’s eyes widened. _Wait, what?_

_No way_. That had to just be from the exercise… right? Ben suddenly sat back in the saddle, willing his own desire to simmer long enough for him to study her in her present state. 

She seemed out of breath, check. She seemed flushed, check. He could see her nipples through her bra, check. She couldn’t keep her eyes off him… check. Ben looked back at her incredulously. He’d just thought _he_ was a raging fire monster struck by some insane wave of desire, but… Could he be reading her signals right? 

He raised his eyebrows at her in a silent question. Her eyes darkened slightly in response, and Ben watched, dumbfounded, as she brought herself up to her full height on her bike, leaving his gaze only to adjust the sound system’s volume, before she locked back onto Ben’s eyes. 

“Climbs,” she said ferociously, and Ben felt a swooping sensation in his stomach. “Now.” 

If anyone else in the class noticed her change in tone, they didn’t seem negatively affected. Instead, the intensity in Rey’s voice seemed to spur them on. Ben was dimly aware of some whooping and hollering in the studio behind him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere else but Rey. He stared at her in wonder, as she took control of the room once more. So she _did_ feel it. That slow burn in his stomach increased, and he, too, rose up on his bike to meet her challenge. 

Her eyes burned like fire in front of him as she barked out demands to the room: “Increase your resistance by three here, we want to get to between 80-100 RPMs, are you with me?” and “Alright let’s bring in our arms, narrow push ups, do what feels comfortable; remember, it’s just you, _one, two –”_ and “In five seconds, we’re going to drop 2 gears and run, run, run… five, four, three, two, and… GO!” 

She rarely broke eye contact with Ben, preferring, it seemed, to issue her commands straight to him. He was barely aware of his body trying to follow her instructions. There was a sort of rushing sound in his ears, and all he could think about was _her_. He watched her body rise and fall on her bike as she led the class through a workout that left his muscles spasming and shaking, but he didn’t––he couldn’t––stop. She was like the sun, clad all in yellow, and he was happy to bask in her heat. 

The music boomed overhead, the combination of extreme sound and focus on Rey completely eradicating the possibility of any other coherent thought as he panted and climbed, sweated and pushed, kicked and pulled through whatever challenge she threw his way, forcing his body to keep going, to get through this fever dream. 

_Wait––was this a dream?_

Ben shook his head slightly, but pinched his thigh just to be sure. _Ow_. Okay. This was reality. Good. 

Even if it had been a dream, Ben wouldn’t have wanted to wake up. It was electric, this connection between them. Every hair on his arms stood up as he pedaled through the course, ignoring even the slightest possibility that there was anyone else in the room. He was hard, of course––how could he not be, when she hadn’t taken her fiery eyes off him the entire time? No one else mattered; just him and Rey. 

He wet his lips, suddenly feeling parched, and watched as Rey looked at his lips. Another rush of excitement coursed through him. 

At this close range, he saw _exactly_ where her eyes went. Over the course of the exercise, he’d watched her stare at his thighs, his lips, his groin––that glance, of course, had made him twitch––which had only reinforced his suspicion that she was as caught up in the heat of the moment as he was. His stomach gave little flips of excitement whenever he noticed her eyes beginning to wander over him. 

She could look wherever she wanted. 

* * *

Bad news: She had looked directly at it. Multiple times. 

“Okay, pull back now,” Rey called out, eyes still fixed on Ben. “Let yourself unwind, take a sip of water if you need,” she added, throwing a small smirk his way. He returned her gaze with a small smile as he grabbed his water bottle and took a sip, slowing his velocity as he did so. Rey watched his throat bob as he drank, a wave of satisfaction rolling over her. She watched his thighs quiver, his torso heaving under her gaze. _Yes…_

_Fuckable redwood, indeed_. 

She blinked. _Wait, what?_

She blinked again, suddenly aware of the heavy breathing surrounding her, the extra-loud beat coming from her speakers, her own thighs burning as they hadn’t in a long time. She was gripping her handlebars so forcefully her hand was beginning to cramp. Like waking up from a dream, bits of reality started coming back to Rey, and with it, a sudden shock realization that there were _other people in the room_. 

She glanced quickly around the room, catching small smirks on very sweaty faces as members of her class looked on. Horror quickly replaced satisfaction as the events of the past few routines suddenly came rushing back to her. Her breathing began to speed up, her mouth drying out as she felt a burst of nausea, glancing back at Ben. Had she _completely lost her mind?_

Her expression must have conveyed her dismay, because the cheeky grin Ben was currently giving her faltered, unease suddenly spreading across his defined features.

She studied him wearily as he pedaled in front of her, his shoulders now tense, his chest heaving, the muscles on his thighs quivering, his dark hair soaked, his arm muscles spasming. He continued looking at her uneasily. She couldn’t really blame him. 

He looked slightly worn out. She was feeling the first reaches of fatigue, too, but she’d been doing this for a lot longer than he had. He’d pushed himself to keep up with her. It was normal for her to dial into her ‘zone’ during class, and bring everyone along for the ride, but… she had royally checked out. 

Rey felt lightheaded. Had she truly meant to _lose it_ like that? In front of everyone? She found herself avoiding looking at others in the room, wishing she could disappear. 

Rey thought back, scouring her memory for the moment she’d snapped, all her self-talk about _treating him like just another student_ flying out the window, and decided it had been when she watched Ben thrust back and forth during those tap-backs. Ah. Yep, that had been it. And okay, fine, she’d definitely tacked on a couple more than usual to watch him thrust back and forth. But at his inquisitive gaze, she’d responded, ignoring rational thought in favor of anything that would increase the likelihood he would _squirm_ on that bike. They’d continued that way, every time she thought she’d given him a challenge too hard, he’d proved her wrong, sticking with her on the beat, eyes never once leaving hers. 

She felt her breath catch in her throat as she remembered the way his gaze had heated when she’d demanded handlebar pushups, every push down making the muscles in his arms ripple, just for her. She shook her head. No, not just for her. 

She blinked again, and, with some difficulty, and a deep breath, pulled her eyes away from the hulking man pedaling in front of her. How had she let herself get so out of control? 

_To be fair, it wasn’t really losing control,_ a small voice responded. _More like_ gaining _control_. 

She shifted her hips, and barely suppressed an involuntary groan, freezing, as another realization jetted through her like lightning. She took a breath and looked down. Yep. She was very turned on. It wasn’t just sweat soaking through her leggings. Her head started pounding in tandem with her accelerated heartbeat. Why had she decided to wear _yellow_ leggings? 

It hit her again, like a truck; she’d worked herself up so much _in front of twenty other people_ that she was _physically_ aroused. She felt herself start to flush with embarrassment. How could she have done that? Suddenly, Ben’s outline was back in her line of vision, and Rey frowned at what she saw. Had she just let a _man_ ––no matter _how_ attractive he was, and _how_ much she felt like he was _here_ for _her_ ––get her so worked up into a frenzy that she’d, for a moment, _lost her mind in the middle of her class?_

And then, out of the blue, a new thought drove a spike of fear straight through her heart. After all of this––whatever this had been––would he– would he _expect_ anything from her? 

She gulped. It was one thing to completely lose herself in the music, their connection, in _class_ , but… The nausea came back. She had no idea what his _expectations_ were. Icy blue eyes swam in front of her, and very quickly, Rey began to spiral. She certainly wasn’t––she didn’t do this to–– _this hadn’t been a goal to_ ––Rey started hyperventilating, fear fighting for control of her body, as the rational, hopeful part of her brain attempted to speak up. _Ben wouldn’t do that_. Some part of Rey felt sure of that, but fear and embarrassment continued to attack, and any part of her body that had felt hot before now felt icy cold. 

She ducked her head, seeking some space from the emotions threatening to drag her under. Tears pricked in the corners of her eyes, but Rey shook them away. _Get a grip._ _Finish the class. Get home._

She took a large deep breath, and forced herself to glance around the room, doing her best to ignore the man in front of her. _Finish the class. Get home._

“Everyone doing okay?” she croaked. Now, listening to the hard breathing echoing like ocean waves throughout the studio, she realized she’d probably pushed the rest of the class, too. Half-hearted cheers echoed around the room. Rey winced. It was one thing to push the class, but another thing to have been completely disassociated from the experience. A slower song she’d picked that morning––a lifetime ago––kicked in, and she heard sighs of relief echoing around the studio. 

_Finish the class. Get home._

She felt warm, brown eyes on her, but she put her head back down, and forced herself to pedal silently, refusing to indulge his gaze with her eyes, and tacked on a new to-do item: _Don’t look at him._ Uneasy nerves were still flooding her system, resulting in knots in her stomach that were re-tying themselves over and over as she pedaled on. 

She continued in this way for the rest of the class. 

* * *

When the final song concluded, Rey thanked the group at large, deliberately avoiding direct eye contact. Her nerves had calmed slightly as the class continued without any further incident, but she was still wary; her earlier fears echoing on the outskirts of consciousness. Her goal, she decided as she hopped off the bike, and slid off her headset, was to make the quickest getaway possible. _Finish the class_ , check. _Time to get home._

_Also, don’t look at him._

Rey was only vaguely aware of the chatter that filled the room as she gathered her belongings and reset the instructor’s space, her head down the whole time. Desperation for escape made her clumsy. She put the aux cord back in its cubby on the stereo, but part of the cord kept escaping from its normal loop. “Fuck you,” she whispered to the aux cord, finally deciding to leave it in a messy pile. She changed out of her cycling shoes and into her old tattered sneakers, nearly falling over in her haste, and grabbed her phone to shove into the canvas bag that she quickly picked up from the floor. 

She was reaching for her cardigan to tie around her waist––her leggings were still wet, she prayed that if people noticed, they just assumed she was really sweaty––when a large hand suddenly appeared in her line of vision, grabbing the sweater off the top of the stereo before she could. She gasped, and unwittingly looked up into the brown eyes of the man she had been trying really, really hard to ignore. 

Ben’s expression was one of concern as he peered down at her. His body leaned slightly towards her––so close she could see the moles dotting his face, his soft pink lips, the pores on his nose––as he held her quick escape hostage in his hand. His brown eyes caught hers, and the soft intensity she saw there made her mind go slightly fuzzy, her hasty retreat momentarily forgotten. He searched her face, eyes darting between hers, searching for what, she didn’t know. She felt the fearful nerves buzzing through her veins transform as another emotion rose to the surface, one that she’d felt while they were riding together not long ago. She couldn’t really think of its name just then. After a minute––Rey was only slightly cognizant of some other students hanging around in her periphery––he nodded, coming to some conclusion. His face suddenly closed off and his expression turned cold. Rey’s heart sank. _Wait, no––_

He handed the cardigan to her, deliberately avoiding any skin-to-skin contact. He nodded again, and said gruffly, “Have a good night, Rey.” And then he turned on his heel, and pushed through the small crowd of people lingering to speak with Rey. 

Rey gaped at his retreating back, her mouth open, but no response came out. He’d just… left. Just like that. 

Thoughts and feelings swirled around in her mind, her head beginning to pound with what she thought might be the worst headache she’d experienced in a while. She closed her gaping mouth with a snap, and narrowed her eyes, focusing again on the task at hand. She tied the offending cardigan around her waist, and grabbed her canvas bag, then turned back to face the last few of her students, her earlier directive paramount once more. 

_Get home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	5. Parties By Poe, or: How to Set Up Your Friends AND Surprise Your Boyfriend, by Poe Dameron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't uploaded in MONTHS. To say that it's been a difficult time would be an understatement. I've been reading real books (what're those lol), obvi a lot of fic, and doomscrolling through twitter most days. But hey. All writers' block must end eventually. Newton's Fourth Law, right?
> 
> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [ Don't Start Now by Dua Lipa ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVhJYPNK6sI)
> 
> *6/28/20 Note: I've updated a lot of this chapter, so if you're reading Chapter 6 and confused, come on back to Chapter 5. LOL.

**Chapter 5: Parties By Poe, or: How to Set Up Your Friends AND Surprise Your Boyfriend, by Poe Dameron**

“You’re still coming tonight, right?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe I have a dozen other parties to go to,” Ben replied, smirking to himself. “You don’t know how in demand I am these days,” he added, meandering along the pasta aisle of Whole Foods on Saturday morning, less than a week after he’d last seen Rey.

“Har, har, har,” Poe responded, using a biting tone that Ben recognized from his… mother. Ben winced as he inspected a box of whole-grain spaghetti. God, Poe really did spend a lot of time with Ben’s family. “Can you come around eight-thirty? Or maybe closer to nine? And bring some wine? Hey, that rhymed!”

Ben groaned, considering whether or not he could still bail. Poe had approached him earlier in the week, wailing about how no one was going to show up to the party he’d spent weeks planning for Finn’s birthday. He’d all but begged Ben to come and “beef up” the party, since apparently, a ton of Finn’s friends had decided to head up to New York City for the weekend. Ben had been immediately inclined to refuse, as per usual, but the desperate look in his friend’s eyes, and the high volume of his voice in Ben’s office, had urged him to comply, and quickly. 

When he had returned home at the beginning of last year, Poe had been one of the only people in his life to treat him normally. He’d been generous and kind enough to act as if nothing had happened in the ten years Ben had spent in LA. They’d picked up right where they’d left off. Even if he was annoying, and loud, and Ben felt like his mother treated Poe more like a son than she did Ben, Poe had grown on Ben––a lot. And his immediate re-acceptance of Ben had pushed him up to the top of Ben’s incredibly short list of people he “liked.” 

The list was very short, so… other than his mother, Poe was pretty much it. 

Thus, Ben had said he’d attend the surprise party. 

“Are you sure you need me?” Ben asked weakly, knowing reluctance was futile. “And wait––hold on, nine PM? Isn’t that a little late for a party to start?” 

“Oh, come on now––don’t be that old guy. You’re in your thirties, not your sixties. Jesus,” Poe responded. “Finn’s supposed to get dropped off to my place around 9:30.” Ben paused in the middle of the aisle, a warning bell ringing in his head. 

“Okay, okay, yeah, sure,” Ben said off-handedly. He waited a beat, then asked, still trying to sound nonchalant though his heart was beginning to pound, “Who’s dropping him off?” 

“Ooh, just some friends from school,” Poe said airly. 

“Poe,” he said, in a tone that would have made any one of his subordinates grovel. “Is Rey bringing him? Is Rey going to be there?” 

Poe just hummed noncommittally. “So when you get the wines––”

“Poe!” Ben barked, hearing a tone of desperation in his own voice. “If Rey’s going to be there, I don’t know if…” 

Poe interjected at that, frustration finally cracking his charade. “Ben. I have no idea what happened between you and Rey last week, but she is Finn’s best friend in the entire universe, and if you don’t come, I’m slightly panicking at this point that my boyfriend is going to walk into an empty room with just me and a cake, okay? And this is supposed to be a surprise party. So just,” Poe grunted, “Please be a good friend and come over, okay?” 

Ben bit his lip, thinking hard, a sudden flurry of butterflies taking up residency in his stomach as he recalled the last time he’d seen Rey. She’d clearly been embarrassed, and… fearful. _Of him?_ That would be difficult to reckon with, if that were true. He hadn’t meant to embarrass her, or, God forbid, _frighten_ her, but when he’d approached her after class, all he could see in her eyes was the fear of a cornered animal, shying away from a predator. 

He let out a breath. 

Sure, it was one thing for him to think she was hot, and for them to have this intense connection whenever they were in a room together, but they’d barely even talked. They barely knew each other. And if he sometimes, even now, thought about how endearing and erotic an experience it had been for them to lose themselves in each other in the midst of a spin class, well… 

But that didn’t matter. Couldn’t matter. Because if she was uncomfortable, he wouldn’t even think about It. And there was no way he was going to let her be uncomfortable tonight, at her best friend’s surprise birthday party. 

He opened his mouth to say just, when Poe cut him off. 

“Just get any wine, people will drink whatever, and be here by nine.” Before Ben could respond, or refute Poe’s request, the line clicked dead. 

* * *

“Are you sure this looks okay, Rose?” Rey called out, standing in front of Rose’s full-length mirror in her friend’s bedroom, twisting her body to catch her curves, feeling suddenly insecure with her borrowed outfit––a sparkling gold long-sleeved jumpsuit with a plunging neckline. 

The plunging neckline was a bit too much, but Rose's older sister Paige had a bigger chest than Rey’s, so she dealt with what she got. 

Rey didn’t have any proper “going out” clothes, anyways, owing to the fact that she was raised in the foster system, and therefore, when she had money, she spent it on practical items. At least, until she’d started teaching at Resistance Cycling Co. There, she’d been able to make enough that she could purchase a few colorful workout outfits, usually matching sets, and usually on discount. But going out clothes? Party outfits? Those were, in Rey’s practical mind, unnecessary.

She hadn’t even gone to a real college party until her final year in undergrad, and even then, it had been a struggle for Finn to convince her to leave the house. Plus, that had been the night she’d met Jake. Her anxiety rose slightly at the thought, but Rey battered it down, twisting again to study the sequined outfit. _Not tonight_. 

No. Tonight she was going to celebrate her best friend turning twenty-five. That was huge. She didn’t need any insecurities or fears rearing their ugly heads tonight. 

She peered closer to the mirror in an effort to distract her train of thought, suddenly catching the sparkly gold eyeshadow Rose had painted on her eyelids. She closed one eye, then the other, watching the glitter sparkle behind her eyes. _Wow._ She should really learn how to do this. 

“Rey, you look _stunning,_ ” she heard Rose say from behind her. Rey looked over her shoulder at her friend. “Yeah?” 

She turned back and ran an appraising gaze over her reflection once more, taking a few deep breaths. She could do this. This was Finn’s party. Rose, Paige, and Poe were all going to be there, too. There was literally nothing to worry about. 

_Unless Poe invited Ben,_ a tiny voice whispered, making her tense. She sought confirmation or comfort from her own eyes in the mirror. They offered neither, only stared back at her in confusion. 

Poe hadn’t told her who he’d invited, beyond the casual “everybody!” It was entirely possible that Ben would be there, especially given the fact that Poe and Finn were very eager for her and Ben to couple up. Rey grimaced. She hadn’t told Finn everything about Monday night, but apparently her and Ben were the talk of the studio, so Finn had gotten the gist. It had been all he could do not to say “I told you so,” when he got back from his own class on Tuesday night, after gossiping with Kaydel. 

And if Ben was there tonight… well, she didn’t know what she was going to do. She remembered his look from Monday night when he’d handed her back her cardigan… That resigned, closed off look on his face, like he knew she wasn’t comfortable. He’d backed away quickly, and Rey respected the hell out of him for it, even if part of her had wanted him to push past her fears and make something happen. She let out a breath. So maybe she _wanted_ him to be there tonight. He hadn’t pressured her, no, and she _was_ enamored by him and his somehow constant presence in her life. If the universe wanted them together, Rey reasoned, then Ben would probably be there. 

“Are we ready to go?” Paige called out from the front of the apartment she and Rose shared. Rose raised her eyebrows at Rey, who nodded, smoothing her hands down her front once more. Yes. She was ready. _Fuck it_. She didn’t need to think about things she didn’t want to think about. If Ben was there, she’d handle it. She wouldn’t let her fear get the best of her. It was Finn’s big night. 

Another burst of anxiety threatened to batter the walls she’d hastily thrown up before the sheer amount of thoughts she _could_ think about Ben, but Rey only strengthened her resolve, pushing past the point of nervousness in favor of extremely over-hyped. 

“Let’s get this surprise party started!” she yelled, throwing a fist in the air, surprising Rose, who did a double-take at Rey’s sudden enthusiasm. Rose smiled at her uncertainty, clearly surprised by Rey’s outburst, and echoed her enthusiasm, albeit with a softer “Yeah!” Rey followed Rose and Paige out the door. 

She focused on Poe’s plan as the three women hopped in their Lyft that would take them to meet the birthday boy. They were going to Finn’s favorite bar together under pretense that Poe would be coming later. Except that Poe wasn’t actually going to show. 

Rey grinned, happy to think about this instead of her own insecurities. It was perfect. It bordered on slightly mean, but it was really perfect, because the surprise would just be that much sweeter. Poe was basically going to ghost Finn all night. The girls had been instructed to make sure the birthday boy was slightly tipsy, then somehow get him riled up enough to storm over to Poe’s apartment in indignation that Poe hadn’t shown up for drinks, where the birthday boy would be then greeted with dozens of his closest friends. 

Rey bit her lip. She wasn’t sure exactly how they were gonna do that part, but she figured they would get him there, come hell or high water. Preferably, without him knowing that he was storming into, what Rey and Poe knew to be, his very first surprise birthday party. 

She grinned again. This was going to be fun. 

* * *

“You told me a lot of people couldn’t make it.” 

“Well, yeah! Jannah took her boyfriend up to Manhattan, and Tallie tagged along. That’s three people.” 

Ben gritted his teeth in frustration, dusting his hands off after lugging the box of wine up three flights of stairs. “Poe, there are upwards of thirty people in your tiny ass apartment. There is no space to move _at all_ . You’re telling me you needed me to cover for _three_ people? Tell me, did you want people to be able to breathe at all tonight?”

Poe rolled his eyes in response. “Calm down, dramaqueen,” Poe defended, arms crossed, leaning against the countertop in his kitchen as Ben unceremoniously began unpacking the various bottles he’d brought onto the counter. 

“You made me think it was just going to be you here. If I didn’t come. You know that, right?” Ben continued angrily, lining the bottles up on the counter with the rest of the booze Poe had supplied. 

“Huh, no––I don’t know where you got that idea.” Poe suddenly avoided Ben’s gaze as he reached over to grab one of the bottles Ben had brought, uncorking it smoothly with an electric wine opener. Ben just stared at him. 

A blonde girl in very short shorts suddenly squeezed past on her way to the fridge. “Hi Ben!” she chirped, startling him. He looked at her, confused. “Hi…” he tried, racking his brain for a name or even a glimmer of recognition. Nothing. 

“Kaydel,” she supplied, wrenching open the fridge door. “I’m usually at the front during Rey’s class at the studio. You don’t remember me?” she pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. 

_Shit._ “Yeah, hi –– of course, uh, of course I do. Hi. Nice to see you,” Ben stammered, and nodded his head. “I bought my pass from you, right?” 

Her pout gave way to a smile as she closed the fridge door. “Yeah, that was me.” She reached past him to grab the bottle opener on the counter next to him. He sucked in his breath as she got close, stepping slightly out of the way. She giggled, and looked up with him with mischief in her eyes as she popped the top off her beer and stepped away from him. “It’s okay. I know it’s not me you come to see,” she said. Ben felt heat suddenly appear on his cheeks, then watched in disbelief as Kaydel winked at him. 

Ben turned to Poe, who was watching the whole conversation with a smirk. Ben worked his jaw for a moment, his earlier suspicion rising at Poe’s obvious enjoyment of Ben’s embarrassment. _Needed more people, my ass._ He turned back to Kaydel. “Yeah…” he said awkwardly, desperately seeking an end to the conversation. He could feel the tips of his ears burning. She grinned again and took a swig of her beer. “See you around, Ben,” she said with another knowing wink as she left the kitchen. 

Ben turned back to Poe as Poe turned his attention up at the ceiling, the smirk now a widespread grin. “So you lied about needing people to get me here,” he growled, embarrassment giving way to irritation.

“What are you talking about?” Poe tossed back, quickly meeting Ben’s eyes, then flicking them back up to the ceiling, his grin steady on his face. He was clearly enjoying this. 

Ben’s jaw dropped, then closed with a snap. “You did. You are… you are…” he grasped for words, all of his usual insults failing him at this clear confirmation of Poe’s betrayal. 

“Yeah? I’m what, Ben?” Poe brought his eyes down from the ceiling, still grinning, as Ben continued to glare at him. “I’m a good friend? I’m a good boyfriend? I want the people in my life to be happy? You and Rey need to get over whatever the fuck happened last week and finally move past it so that Finn and I can finally take credit for what will be the matchmaking of the century? You obviously wouldn’t have come if I’d said that,” he guffawed, “So I had to come up with another plan. It’s part of Finn’s birthday present.” 

Ben worked his jaw angrily, his heart pounding. Of course there was no shortage of friends Poe could invite. Ben had fallen for Poe’s desperation, all so Poe could play matchmaker. _What an ass._ He fixed Poe with as stony a glare he could, considering his quickly beating heart. Poe looked back in defiance, not even phased. “You are now at the bottom of my list,” Ben said, with all the anger he could muster. 

“I don’t know what that means, but cool, bro,” Poe cackled, seemingly unaffected by the anger rolling off Ben in waves. Ben stood there, seething, in angry disbelief. He’d just started to feel slightly excited at the possibility of seeing Rey tonight, even despite how they’d left things on Monday, but knowing that Poe had set it up made it feel… less special. More calculated. Like Ben was the predator again. 

Poe’s phone dinged, and he grabbed it eagerly, his eyes widening. “Ten minutes! They’re ten minutes away, people!” he shouted at the crowd of people stuffed into his apartment. Ben felt his heart give a lurch. 

Maybe he should make a break for it. Then neither he nor Rey would feel watchful, calculating eyes on them all night. She’d probably have more fun if he wasn’t there, anyway. A vision rolled through his mind of him nursing a beer in a corner of gloom for the next two hours, and he started to feel sick. What had he been thinking, showing up here? He knew exactly none of these people. And none of them would want to talk to him. 

Yeah, it was definitely time to go. 

Turning to say goodbye, Ben saw Poe dash over to the fridge, and pull out the largest cake Ben had ever seen. Despite his desire to leave, Ben’s eyes widened. “Holy hell, Poe,” he mumbled as Poe set it down gently on the counter. “I know there’s a lot of people here, but did you want everyone to have ten slices each?” 

“Shut up, Ben,” Poe snapped, suddenly pushing Ben aside as he opened drawers at random, poking around quickly in one before moving onto the next. Ben stared at him, surprised. _O-kay._ “Can you, uh –– I need you to…” 

“What?” 

“Move,” Poe muttered, fumbling past him. 

“Yeah, sure––hey, what are you looking for?” Ben asked quickly, standing up straight after being nearly knocked over by Poe’s forceful shove as he opened a low cabinet. 

“Candles, and, uh––lighter,” Poe’s answer came back muffled; his head was fully in the cabinet he’d pushed Ben out of the way to get to. Ben spotted the lighter and the large “2” and “5” candles on the counter, neatly laid out next to a knife and a napkin. He shook his head. Poe was truly in over his head for this boy. “Found them,” he called out. Poe’s head shot out of the cabinet, following Ben’s gaze to their spot on the counter.

“Great,” he sighed, relief clearly written all over his face. “Let’s set it up.” Ben grimaced. Could he really leave? Despite Poe’s nefarious ploy to get Ben and Rey back in the same room, and his own despondency at the prospect of sitting in a corner, alone, all night, he couldn’t help feeling the need to damper some of Poe’s nerves. Ben bit the inside of his cheek, warring with himself. 

“Let me do it,” he said finally. 

“What?” Poe said distractedly, tearing open the packaging on the candles. Ben nodded, decision made. Hopefully Rey would be okay with his decision. “Let me do it, Poe. You go make sure everyone’s in position, and I’ll get the cake ready and bring it in after everyone surprises him. Okay?” 

“Okay, yeah, that’s good,” Poe responded, immediately dropping the candles back on the counter. “Thanks.” Ben rolled his eyes. “Yeah –– I think you owe me.” Poe didn’t even hear him, as he dashed out of the kitchen, shouting, “Okay everyone, I’m gonna shut off the lights…” 

Ben turned to the task at hand, the anxiety that had been tampered momentarily by helping Poe roaring back to life. He studied the cake as his mind raced in circles. He definitely should have left. Right?

* * *

Rey had probably had two too many. No, three too many. No. Just two. 

Whatever. She was tipsy. 

She definitely hadn’t meant to get _this_ tipsy, but, somehow, the best way to get Finn drunk enough for their plan to work had meant that Rey needed to challenge him to shots. Which she had. _Bravely,_ she added to herself, knowing how sick she’d feel later. She could already feel a brewing seasickness vibe in her lower abdomen. That clearly wasn’t a good sign. 

But what the hell. It was her best friend’s birthday. And Finn wasn’t even that drunk. 

The man in question suddenly belched loudly as they arrived outside Poe’s apartment building. 

“Gross, Finn!” Rose whispered loudly, as she opened the building door. Finn grinned at her, and Rose smiled demurely back. 

Rose was… sober. Yeah. Sober Rose. “SoberRose!” Rey called out, excitedly putting the two words together. Rose shot her a worried look, then called out for her sister. “Paige! Paige, can you walk with Rey?” Paige nodded, with an eye roll. 

“I don’t need a _babysitter_ , Rose,” she pleaded, but even so, she looped her arm with Paige’s as they followed Rose and Finn into the building. 

“I know, sweetie,” Rose looked back at her with a grin, then turned again to focus on Finn, who was pulling her along to the stairwell, a fierce gleam in his eye. The plan had worked perfectly. Finn was going to yell at Poe for “ditching” them at the bar. Or, he thought he was. 

Rey giggled with delight, in anticipation of the night ahead. Even if she was slightly tipsy, she couldn’t wait to see Finn’s expression when everyone shouted “Surprise!” 

And she had decided. About Ben. That if she saw him, she was going to march up to him and tell him that he was too hot. Too hot, yeah. Who the hell gave him that right? To show up in her class, and distract her with his _bike shorts_ and his _muscles_ and his _romantic eyes_. Especially when she wasn’t even sure about how she felt about him, after the whole shitty thing with Jake. 

_What a shitty guy,_ Rey thought to herself, as she, Finn, Rose, and Paige crept up the stairs of Poe’s apartment building. 

“What, peanut?” Finn asked, turning to look at her and almost stumbling on the top step as he reached the third floor––Poe’s floor. 

“What?” Rey responded, suddenly confused. Had she said that out loud?

“You mean Poe? For ditching Finn?” Paige supplied, shooting her a worried glance. 

“What?” Rey said again, turning to look at her in confusion. Paige rolled her eyes again, for the second time that night. “Rose, I think Rey’s done. Cut off.” 

“Noooooo,” Rey pleaded. “Not done! Finn’s party!” 

“My… what, peanut?” Finn furrowed his brow at her as Paige and Rey filed past him out of the stairwell. “Rey, shut up!” Paige hissed in her ear, steering her quickly past Finn with another eye roll at him, straight to Poe’s door. “Don’t ruin it!” 

Rey clasped her hands over her mouth. “Shit!” She straightened up and shook her head. She was _not_ going to ruin this. Tipsy Rey could shut up now. Sober-ish Rey would take care of this. She giggled, then focused her eyes at Finn, and threw him a wink. He looked suspiciously at her as he followed them to Poe’s door. “Rose, should we be worried about Rey?” 

Rey saw Rose sigh, bringing up the rear. “Yeah, probably. But let’s get to Poe’s so you can call him out for ditching us. Maybe he’ll be sorry enough to get Rey a glass of water.” 

“Right, yeah.” At this reminder from Rose, Finn puffed himself up, and Rey had to stifle another giggle. This was turning out to be _such_ a fun night. She watched Finn knock on the door, then step back, his hands clenched in fists. 

The door opened, and all four of them peeked in to see Poe standing by himself in a dark apartment, the only light streaming in from the hallway. “Hey, buddy,” he said with a grin, only to be cut off by a huge roar of sound as the apartment lights popped on and what looked like, to Rey, a hundred people, poked their heads up and yelled “SURPRISE” all at once. 

Finn stood still in shock, his mouth gaping open. Rose and Paige skirted around him to step inside. Rey stood just behind him in similar shock. That was… a lot of people. 

“Poe, what did you do?” she started to say, but was quickly silenced by the sight of Poe grabbing the front of his boyfriend’s shirt and pulling him in for a huge smooch, which had half the crowd cheering while the other half groaned or laughed. Rey giggled in surprised delight as her best friend’s eyes fluttered closed, and he pushed back into Poe, the two of them suddenly grabbing each other. The cheers and laughter continued until Finn swayed, and a rouge blush came over his cheeks. He pulled away from Poe with a gasp. “Damn, boy,” he said weakly. “Did you throw me a surprise party?” 

Rey watched with a huge grin. They’d _done_ it. Those shots were worth it! Her stomach roiled again in protest, but she ignored it. 

“Maybe I did. Come on in, guys!” Poe called out with a huge grin, throwing a wink to Rey as he opened the door wider for her to walk in after Finn. She looked at him confused, and then––

She saw him. 

Well, at first, all she could see was the biggest white sheet cake she’d ever seen in her life, complete with lit numbered candles. 

Then she noticed it was carried by the tallest man in the room, with perfectly groomed long black hair, wearing a black button-down and black jeans. He was staring straight at her, his eyes burning with the same intensity she’d seen the last time they’d seen each other. _Does he always wear black?_ she wondered idly, as the rest of her body tensed in response. “Oh,” she said breathlessly. 

She watched his muscles ( _his muscles, thoughhhh_ , her brain supplied unhelpfully) strain under the weight of the immense bakery item, and he cleared his throat, then turned to Finn, who had stopped with shock, again, at the sight of the cake. “For me?” Finn squeaked out, and Rey felt her heart pang with compassion, and she relaxed. _This_ is why they had striven to make this a good night for him. He deserved good things. Poe grabbed his shoulders comfortingly, and shouted out to the crowd, “1-2-3, Happy Birthday…” 

Rey tried to sing along. She really did. But the combining feelings of alcohol and shock at seeing Ben again made her woozy. When the song was finally finished, and Finn was enveloped by hugs from everyone he’d ever known in his life, Rey quickly snuck off to the kitchen, feeling herself start to hyperventilate. 

When she got to the kitchen, she braced herself on the counter by the sink, and took slow, deep breaths, wincing as she brought a hand up to her forehead. The determination she’d had earlier had all but faded away as reality crept in. She had wanted to, what? Walk up to him and tell him that his attractiveness was very distracting, and she was suddenly very scared of everything they _could be_ , and also, she had no idea how to do anything with boys, and oh yeah, could he also stop giving her those vibes that made her stomach flutter with butterflies every time she saw him and his perfectly coiffed dark hair? That would be great, thanks? 

Also please take me home with you even though I’ve never done anything like this before and let’s figure out this thing together because I _want_ you? 

Another drink. She needed another drink. 

Desperation made her turn to the extensive amount of booze Poe had assembled for the night’s gathering. 

“Who the fuck brought such expensive wine?” she found herself muttering out loud, staring at the various Pinots, Merlots, and even a standalone––

“Gewürztraminer?” she read, stumbling through the pronunciation as she brought it very close to her eyes, swaying a bit as her eyes crossed. Whatever. That would do. This was nothing like the three-buck-Chuck she normally got from Trader Joe’s on her meager grad student budget, but what the hell? It was Finn’s party, and she was in a sparkly outfit. She could definitely try fancy. Grabbing a red solo cup from the stack on the counter––“Are we at a frat party, Poe?” she mumbled––she poured herself a healthy dose of the fancy wine she couldn’t pronounce. 

* * *

Ben’s arms were getting heavy, and he’d lost sight of Rey the second Finn had blown out the candles, which meant that he was currently gritting his teeth as he walked around Poe’s compact living room crammed with people, offering them cake. _Cake duty,_ he thought to himself as he shook his head. _Why did you volunteer for this?_ His mother’s etiquette training echoed in his head as he attempted not to glower at the group that was currently grabbing slices from the monstrosity he carried. The sooner Poe’s guests took as much as they wanted, the sooner he could escape his self-imposed nightmare and rush off to find Rey, or find a window to stick his head out of to get fresh air. He wasn’t sure which was the better option. 

_Or maybe you should just leave like you wanted to earlier, and forget all of this,_ a tiny voice said in his head, doubt creeping into his psyche at the words. 

Loud laughter suddenly burst in his ears, and Ben shied away from the sound, almost tripping over someone’s feet as he stumbled through the crowds of people sitting on every available surface in Poe’s living room. He spotted Finn and Poe, arms around each other, chatting with two dark-haired women Ben recognized as part of the group that Rey had arrived with. They hadn’t made it much past the front door, but he didn’t see Rey with them. All four of them were laughing at something Finn was saying. Ben figured that was as good a sign as any that he should ditch the cake in the kitchen and then make his Irish good-bye. 

Making a beeline for the kitchen, Ben careened quickly around a corner and nearly smashed into a figure walking unsteadily out into the hallway. He only just missed a disastrous confectionary collision by pulling the cake away at the very last second. 

“Shit, sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was––Rey?” 

Ben gaped as he watched Rey back away from the cake swinging around in front of her. He could see relief from his aching arms in the form of the kitchen island mere steps behind her, but he was fearful that if he were to move, she would disappear. 

So much for that Irish goodbye.

His eyes had been drawn to her as soon as Poe’d opened the apartment door, the light from the hallway catching on her like she was covered in gold––which she was, he realized now. She was wearing a gold sparkly outfit, with gold sparkles on her eyelids that brought out the brightness in her eyes. His gaze darted down her form––that was a deep “V” in her outfit, and Ben gulped at the amount of skin he could see from her clavicle down––and then he noticed the bottle in her hand. One of the wines he had brought, at Poe’s behest. His mouth quirked. 

“Ben?” she murmured, swaying again on the spot, and Ben’s momentary mirth disappeared. How many drinks had she had? He took a closer look at her, noticing her slightly unfocused eyes. He frowned, and checked the bottle in her hand, which was nearly empty. _Uh-oh._

“I was going to tell you something,” she said with a frown, interrupting his train of thought. Ben shifted on his feet, and leaned against the wall for support, feeling his arms begin to shake. No way was he leaving her without supervision now. The memory of her eyes wide in embarrassment and fear swam in front of him, but he shook his head to clear the thought. He would protect her. Even if the thing she needed protection from was herself. 

He could hear people down the hall behind him laughing, but he focused his attention on her. “Really?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Rey nodded, her lower lip put out. Ben hesitated, not wanting to insult, then asked anyway, “How many drinks have you had, Rey?” 

“Two––no, four,” she responded slowly, screwing her eyes shut to think. “No––six. Oh! Even numbers. Yeah,” she giggled. “Finn wasn’t drinking at the– at the–” she waved her hand in the air. 

“Bar?” Ben supplied. 

She giggled again. “Yes, that’s the word. Barrrrrr,” she drew out the word. “So I had to challenge him to shots. Then we could make the plan work,” she finished, and took another swig of the bottle in her hand. Ben winced. She was drinking the Gewürztraminer, which had a very high sugar content. That definitely meant a headache later. But her story brought up another memory, and a smile threatened to break as he let the memory take hold. “A shot challenge, huh?” he said softly. She grinned, and threw her arms wide to take a bow. Ben had to take a step back to avoid her wingspan from knocking the cake out of his arms. 

“I won,” she said proudly, as she straightened, or more accurately, stumbled up to a standing position once more. Ben smirked, thinking back to Monday night’s class. “Of course you did. You love a challenge.” She narrowed her eyes at him, and took another swig from the bottle in her hand. For a minute, they just stared at each other. Ben’s heart started beating quickly as he watched her eyes dart between his. He swallowed. 

“Did you know?” he croaked out suddenly, clearing his throat. “That's how I got to your class, the first time?” She shook her head, a few times more than necessary, her eyes straining to focus on his face. He felt himself getting lost in their dark hazel depths, ringed by gold. _The highest prize_ , he found himself thinking. _A gold medal, a sparkly present, a beautiful gold goddess_. 

“I challenged Poe to shots,” Ben continued softly. He couldn’t feel his arms anymore––why was he still carrying the dumb cake?––but he didn’t care. They were having a _moment_. “And then we got to the point where we were betting on who could finish their drink faster. Poe told me that if I lost, I would have to try something new.” He grinned at the memory. “I lost, obviously. I thought he wanted me to try a new drink. Or something weirdly sexual––you know Poe. But he surprised me. And he dragged my ass to your class. I’m glad I took the challenge,” he took a breath, “because I met you,” he finished in a rush. 

Ben felt lightheaded. Somehow, Rey had stepped even closer to him while he was talking, and now, the only thing separating them was the giant ass cake that Ben was still holding. He stared at her, mesmerized by her nearness. How many drinks had _he_ had? Was he drunk, too? He didn’t think he’d touched anything alcoholic since getting to the party, but he must have, because Rey was standing an arm’s length away from him, and she was close enough that he could smell her coconut shampoo, and she was staring at his lips. He felt his mouth go dry, and he subconsciously licked his lips, watching her trace the movement with her eyes. His arms were shaking, and his heart was beating fast, the air tinged with that same electricity he’d felt on Monday night. He hadn’t scared her, after all. He opened his mouth––to tell her what, he didn’t know––but before he could say anything, he watched her mouth form the words–– 

“I know who you are.” 

Ben froze, the words plunging like daggers into his heart; his body tensing suddenly in fight or flight. He had been prepared for her to say _anything_ but that. Icey awareness spread through him as he contemplated her words, most definitely ruining the moment. His hands started shaking. He searched her eyes, shrewdly looking for any indication of revulsion or fear that she would almost certainly feel if she knew the truth––the truth that only a handful of people in the world knew. He was met with none of those, only Rey looking steadily back at him with those overly bright hazel eyes. Peculiar. 

He breathed. She breathed. For a minute, they just stared at each other. The ice in his heart cracked a little as he watched her eyes dart between his. 

He took a deep breath, and prepared himself for the worst. 

“Who am I, sweetheart?” The pet name slipped out, and he winced, hoping against hope that he hadn’t offended her. 

He watched the words reach her, and saw a smile break out across her face. Then, suddenly, she was grinning. Still drunk, but definitely grinning. Ben breathed a sigh of relief. 

“You’re one of my fans,” she teased, that beautiful grin beaming at him like a burst of sunshine. 

Ben cracked a wide grin of his own. The icy fear disappeared as quickly as it had come, melted by the warm glow of Rey’s smile. 

“Yes, I am,” he teased right back, enjoying this form of banter much more than the possibility of Rey discovering his dark side. 

“Why?” she asked, stepping closer into his space. This close to her, he could count the freckles dotting her nose, could see her perfect pink mouth parted in question, could see the bright hazel of her eyes as she stared back at him. She swayed on her feet. 

“I like you,” he said softly, thinking only of her smile, and he couldn’t help it if he tried, the way his confession slipped out. He watched Rey suddenly freeze, and automatically, he tensed in response––feeling suddenly rushing back to his arms, making the stupid cake feel heavier than it ever had in his arms. He felt his muscles tighten as he braced for her response, the sudden silence between them heavier than earlier––when he’d been afraid she’d known the truth. He watched her face pale, and his heart sank. Her gaze drifted down from his face and settled on the cake. 

“I have to go,” she was saying, and he watched the words form on her lips, and he nodded unconsciously in response, and then she was walking away and he was finally setting the cake down on the kitchen island, and he was bracing his arms on the counter, breathing heavily.

“Fuck,” he cursed at nothing in particular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	6. Angst, Angst, Angst, No. 09

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [Hallucinate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOfFxhAhZuA) // Dua Lipa
> 
> [Break My Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6feSJsCxIw) // Dua Lipa

**Chapter 6: Angst, Angst, Angst, No. 09**

Rey didn’t think she’d ever been this sick. Ever. 

Not even that one time she’d had food poisoning the day of her AP Spanish test in high school, or the night when she’d had her first few sips of vodka with Finn during their freshman year of college. She didn’t even remember having a flu this bad. 

It wasn’t even the puking. She’d thrown up plenty of times in her life––from the aforementioned food poisoning, flus, and past drunken nights (albeit most of them in her own home)––but this was worse. Because there was a _headache_ splitting her head open as she crouched in front of Poe’s toilet, and a raging feeling of guilt spreading through her like wildfire every time she remembered the look in Ben’s eyes as she’d all but run away from him with the feeling of bile rising up in her throat––the consequence of her inebriation rearing its head in the same space and time that he’d whispered his affection. 

“Ughhhh,” Rey groaned, leaning once more over the toilet, letting that groan encompass all of her feelings on the matter. 

“I know, sweetie,” Rose murmured comfortingly, holding her hair back as only a true friend could, all the while rubbing soft circles into her back. “It’s going to be okay.” A knock on the door sounded, and a gruff male voice yelled through the door, “Hey! Stop hogging the bathroom!” 

“Go away!” Rose and Rey yelled back in unison, the strident sound reverberating through Rey’s skull, making her wince in pain. She leaned away from the toilet and sat back against the tub, head spinning. She focused on taking deep breaths, gazing at Poe’s dark navy bath mat. “I feel so gross, Rose,” she whispered. The bathroom lights suddenly felt too bright, and Rey leaned her head back, eyes closed. She heard Rose sigh. “Rey, we need to get you out of here. Poe was stupid enough to invite the entire city to this party, and there _is_ only one bathroom.” She clucked her tongue. “You’re gonna have to come home with me and Paige, okay?” 

Rey shook her head. “Wanna go home,” she mumbled. 

“I know, sweetie, I know,” Rey felt Rose squeeze her hand. “We’ll get you home tomorrow. But I’m not leaving you at your apartment alone. Finn is definitely staying with Poe tonight. And I have a feeling in the morning, you’re gonna need a friend.” 

Rey peeked one eye open at Rose, who was looking at her with something akin to pity in her gaze. Rey swallowed, another wave of revulsion coursing through her with a chill. Suddenly, the gold sequined jumpsuit seemed constricting and tight; she could feel sweat pooling in her lower back, and beading on her upper lip. She nodded. Even in her hazy state, she knew there would be a lot to confront in the morning. “You’re a good friend, Rosie,” she slurred. 

“So are you, Reybie,” Rose chirped back. “Let’s figure out a plan to get you home, okay? Stay here. Don’t move a muscle, okay? Don’t let anyone in until I get back.” 

“Ben,” Rey mumbled, suddenly feeling a wave of sleepiness come over her. 

“What, honey?” Rey felt, rather than saw, her leaning closer. 

“Check on Ben,” Rey whispered, eyes still closed. “Don’t want him to think,” she cleared her throat, and again opened one eye. “Don’t want him to think I ran away from him.” 

“Okay, Rey,” Rose nodded. If she was confused by the request, she didn’t mention it. Rey closed her eye, and heard Rose get up and leave the bathroom, the door closing behind her with a click. Her head swam as she listened to the faint commotion outside of the bathroom, hearing Rose called out for her sister. Rey decided she’d let sober Rey figure everything out tomorrow. When she wasn’t so much in pain and sleepy and _gross_. Until then, she’d just sleep. 

* * *

Rey woke the next morning to bright light and a sharp pain in her temples. “Eughhhhhhhh,” she groaned, as she rolled over and promptly fell off of whatever she’d been sleeping on, letting out a shriek that she quickly stifled once she realized she had fallen maybe a foot. 

A couch. She’d fallen off of a couch. 

Blinking, she sat up, and rubbed her eyes. From what she could tell, she was now sitting on the carpeted floor of Rose and Paige’s living room in an oversized t-shirt with a blanket wrapped around her legs. Early morning light was shining in from the big bay window to her right, bathing the room in soft light that somehow still offended Rey’s head, causing her to wince as her eyes adjusted to the morning light. Her mouth tasted awful. 

“Rey!” Rose squealed, footsteps announcing her presence just before her small form barreled into the living room, Paige close at her heels. Rey winced at the high pitch of her voice. 

“Hi Rose,” she said weakly, embarrassment coloring her cheeks pink. Rose clapped a hand over her mouth as she took in where Rey was sitting, then gingerly removed it to whisper, “Did you fall off the couch, Rey?” Rey looked behind her to see Paige smirk, trying to hold back her own laughter. Rey felt a smile quirk at the corner of her mouth, too. 

“I may have,” she admitted. “Uhh… How did I get here, Rose?” 

Rose frowned, concern etched on her face. “You don’t remember last night?” 

Rey wracked her brain, trying to come up with any memories she had from the night before. “Finn’s party…” she started, slowly. Her heart was still beating quickly from her fall. She took a deep breath to calm herself, and thought back to the night before. The pain in her head was all that she could focus on, and that in itself was worrisome. She flicked her eyes up to Rose, feeling slightly panicky. “Rose, what happened?”

“Okay, sweetie, let’s get you some coffee, and we’ll talk about it,” her friend promised kindly, scooting around the coffee table to help her up from the floor. Rey swallowed, her nerves rising as she beat gravity to stand. “Did I do something stupid?” she asked. 

“No, no,” Rose said, “Not at all. You got sick, but you definitely made Finn’s surprise party a success.” Rose smiled at her as the two friends walked the short distance to the Tico sisters’ kitchen table. Paige was already in the kitchen, heating water in the electric kettle, and pulling down teas and coffee from the cabinet. 

Rey sat on a rickety kitchen chair, and stared at the grains in the wood of the table, straining her memory as far back as it could go. Things were fuzzy, and hazy, but she remembered getting into the cab with Rose and Paige, and… 

“Shots. I did shots with Finn,” Rey stated confidently, then hissed as another throb of pain hit her temples. 

“Yup!” Rose said with a pop, settling into the chair across from Rey. “You challenged him––and won––so that he’d get his ass over to Poe’s for ‘ditching us’ at the bar. Great job!” 

Rey knew that later, she’d be eternally grateful for Rose’s careful questioning. But at the moment, she was getting slightly irritated with Rose’s chipper attitude. It seemed condescending, even if it wasn’t meant that way, and it was only making the pain in her head worse. Rey bit her tongue before she could say anything snarky in response, and instead asked pointedly, “Hey Rose? You got any ibuprofen?” 

“Oh yeah, sure Reybie! Be right back,” Rose chirped, and sped out of the room. Rey groaned, and put her head down onto the table. 

“My sister is definitely a morning person,” Paige commented, setting a cup of coffee down in front of Rey, who perked her head up at the heavenly smell. “Mhhmmm,” Rey murmured, as she grabbed the mug and held it close. “She’s a good friend.” Rey sighed. “My head just hurts, is all.” 

Paige snorted, and Rey stared at her. “What?” Paige responded, holding her own steaming mug close to her chest. “I’m pretty sure you had six shots and almost an entire bottle of sweet wine, so I’m really not surprised.” 

“An entire bottle? From where? Who gave it to me?” she asked in surprise. She strained once more to recall details from the previous night, but all she got were glimpses of a gold jumpsuit and… a large cake?

“You gave it to yourself,” Rose answered, stomping back into the room to hand Rey a little white bottle of Advil, which Rey grabbed eagerly from her hands. Tossing a couple pills back with a sip of coffee, she grimaced. “I drank a whole bottle of wine? Why would I do that?” she asked, this time with suspicion. 

She watched as Rose and Paige exchanged glances. _That’s worrisome_. Rose took a deep breath, and reseated herself at the table before gently prompting, “Rey, do you remember who was at the party, when we got there?” 

Rey strained her memory back again. “You guys, Finn, Poe, I’m pretty sure I saw Kay, and––” She paused, and took a sip of coffee, only to very nearly spit it out again when a tall, handsome figure appeared like an apparition in her mind. “Ben!” Images and bits of their conversation returned the instant she spoke his name, and on top of her headache, Rey felt a pang of nausea. She moved the coffee away from her, unease suddenly clamoring for a break. 

“Mmhm,” Rose nodded. “You were very upset by the end of the night, and tbh, Paige and I didn’t really know what to do.” She gave Rey a very small smile. 

“Did you find him? When I asked?” Rey pressed urgently, recalling her drunken request from the floor of Poe’s bathroom. 

“Umm, no, it seemed like he’d left while you were getting sick. Sorry, sweetie.” Another small smile, this one full of sympathy. Glancing between the two sisters, Rey swallowed, and tried to take a deep breath. 

“He––,” Rey stopped, then took a deep breath. “He told me he liked me,” she confessed in a whisper. 

“Aww,” the sisters crooned in unison. “But then, okay wait––if he told you he liked you––and you like him, right?” Rose asked, her eyebrow quirking. Rey nodded meekly. “Okay, then why are you upset? What did you say back?” 

“I– I didn’t. Say anything, that is,” Rey stuttered over her words with another wince. “I got sick right at that moment. It was awful.” The weight of her reaction to Ben’s whispered compliment fell on Rey like a brick landing in her stomach. “I can’t believe I did that. I didn’t even say thank you, or––” She sniffled. “Oh my God, I’m such an idiot.” She put her face down on the table, wanting to disappear. She groaned in frustration.

“No, sweetie, you’re not an idiot,” she heard Rose reply. “Can you call him? Do you want to reach out to Poe?” 

“Omigod, no,” Rey stuttered out, flinging her head up to look at Rose, nearly knocking her cup of coffee over in her haste to nix that idea. “Rose, I––we barely know each other.” 

“So?” Rose shrugged, and Paige nodded her head in agreement. “Rey, people meet each other like this all the time. Sounds like you two just have a bad case of insane miscommunication. You just told me you like him, he seems to like you, clearly––because he said so. What’s the issue?” 

Rey narrowed her eyes. “You sound like Poe and Finn. Did they put you up to this?” 

“What? Rey! No, Jesus,” Rose responded indignantly with a huff. “I’m literally just trying to understand what your hesitation is to pursue something with this boy. I’m on your side.” 

“Okay, yeah, sorry,” Rey responded quickly, feeling bad that she’d nearly bitten Rose’s head off. She took another deep breath ( _how many had she already taken this morning_?) and then, heart pounding, she decided to confess. In a small voice, she said, “I think I’m just scared, Rose.” 

“Aww, honey,” Rose responded kindly, understanding crossing her features. “I mean, it’s not like I have the most experience with relationships either, but I’m pretty sure it’s normal to feel like this, right Paige?” 

Paige snorted. “Yes. Plus, I knew something was up when you picked that jumpsuit last night. You looked smokin.’” 

Rey looked up at her wildly, heart pounding, “That’s not why I wore it––” 

“Oh my god, Rey,” Paige responded in exasperation. “It’s okay to look hot. I mean, you are literally a walking advertisement for ‘if you took spin class ten times a week, this is what your body could look like, too!’” 

Rey let out a nervous laugh at the ferocity in Rose’s sister’s voice. “Yes, Paige, but––” 

“Okay, great. I hope you’re proud of your body and what it can do––wait, why am I reminding you to be body positive?” She set down her coffee on the counter with an audible crack, then shot Rey an incredulous look. “Isn’t this literally a tenant of your studio? And, literally, your whole thing with Public Health?” 

Rey turned back to Rose with wide eyes. She’d never heard Paige use this tone of voice before, and the sudden turn of events in the conversation had given her a bit of whiplash. Rose was looking at Rey steadily, head cocked to the side, as if studying her. Rey guessed, by the absence of surprise on the younger Tico’s face, that Rose had seen this side of Paige before.

“What?” Rey asked nervously, unsure of what was going on inside her friend’s head. 

“I think that’s what you do. Tomorrow,” Rose added, still studying her as if mentally calculating the rate of incidence during a breakout pandemic.

“Do what tomorrow?” Rey asked, still nervous at the look Rose was giving her. She flicked her eyes up to Paige, to find that the older Tico was now studying her as much as her sister. Rey gulped. 

“Doesn’t he usually come to your class?” Rose prompted. 

“Yeah, every week, but––” Rey sucked in a breath, suddenly understanding what Rose was suggesting. “What, you think I should wear a hot outfit? For what? Him? Why would I do that?”

Rose shrugged. “Why not? It would be for you, not him. I don’t know, I feel like you should embrace your power. Overcome your fear. Lean into it. Feel your best, and then tell him how you feel. If you want to.” Rey gaped openmouthed at her friend. 

“Rose, where is this coming from?” 

Rose smiled kindly. “Rey, honey, you shouldn’t be scared. You _are_ beautiful.” Rey let out a short laugh. “Moreover, you’re _powerful_ ,” she continued, and Rey felt her laughter die away as she took in the sincerity in Rose’s voice. “Think of all you’ve overcome in your life,” Rose continued softly, and Rey felt a rush of gratitude that she’d found a friend in Rose Tico. Even though they’d only met at orientation for grad school the previous September, Rey felt like she’d known the other woman all her life. 

“So,” Rey started, then paused to let out a shaky laugh. “You’re saying the way to overcome my fear of anything resembling starting a– a whatever, with… Ben… is to lean into my––what? Feminine power?” 

“Yes!” Both Tico girls said together; Paige with exasperation, Rose with determination. Rey laughed freely, then, feeling a weight lift off her shoulders. She had allies, in this fight against her fears. 

“And this isn’t too superficial, right? Of a thing to care about? Since he just told me that he likes me?” Rey pressed. 

“No,” Paige interjected before Rose could respond. “Sorry, Rosie, but big sister is here to talk real quick.” She settled into the other chair next to Rose, across from Rey. “Rey,” she said, staring into Rey’s eyes. “You shouldn’t have to be afraid to be yourself. I don’t know you as well as my sister does, but what I do know is that the least superficial thing you can do is embrace who you are, and all that that encompasses.” Rose nodded, and Rey felt herself drawn in by Paige’s words. “If you like this guy, and he likes you––which, he literally told you he does,” Rey giggled nervously. “Then go for it. Be the powerful, strong woman that you are. Show up, get yours.” 

Rey nodded uncertainly.

Paige leaned back in her chair. “And if he does something you don’t like, tell him no. He’s friends with Poe and Finn, so he seems like the kind of guy who would get the picture. If he’s not, let me know, and I’ll mess him up, one way or another.” Paige flashed her a wide grin, and Rose nodded encouragingly. “Okay, big sister talk done. You two have a good Sunday,” she finished with a smirk, then stood up to wash out her cup. 

Rose stared at Rey for another moment, while Rey absorbed everything Paige had said. She _could_ be strong, she _could_ embrace her own power, and if she wanted things to stop, she could just say no. Rey nodded, determination washing over her in waves. “You can do this,” Rose stated gently. 

“I can do this,” Rey whispered back.

“But first you need to shower,” Rose said teasingly, scrunching up her nose. 

* * *

The plan would have worked. 

Rey muttered darkly to herself as she climbed out of her car at the end of the night on Monday, gathering her mix of bags and books she’d stuffed into the backseat, pausing as she considered whether or not to grab the mess of napkins, coffee sleeves, and other trash that littered her front seat, then quickly nixed that idea. Too much effort for tonight.

She was exhausted. 

After a great morning, in which she’d opened an exciting email confirming an appointment with her personal hero for later in the week, Rey had gone into the studio _early_ that afternoon, a rarity for her, enduring a knowing grin and wink from Kaydel as she walked in. “Showing up for someone special?” the other girl had teased. 

Rey just smiled with what she hoped was a mysterious look, ignoring her heart beating wildly in her chest, and chose to focus on getting herself psyched for her class. This was a good day, she told herself, nodding. A promising email and the prospect of seeing Ben.

She grinned. 

After some serious deliberation with Rose, Rey had chosen to wear a new all-black sports bra and leggings Gymshark combo. The sports bra had a gap at the top, and the back was an endless mess of thin straps, which Rey thought looked sexy. She’d tied her hair into two messy French braids that Rose said had perfectly framed her face, and had even _tried_ with what little make-up she could endure during an hour-long class. She knew she looked good, because, after looking at herself in the mirror, she felt it. 

Badass. 

She’d picked the perfect playlist, too, for her class. Dua Lipa was an artist she’d only recently started listening to, but ever since her new album had come out, Rey’d been hooked on the beats. She queued it up on the studio’s sound system when she was able to access it, and waited for the start of her class, prepared to endure whatever heat came her way. Dua Lipa was just suggestive enough that a certain someone might get the memo. 

Her heart had been pounding.

Her regulars started showing up about fifteen minutes before the start of class. A few of them shot her appraising looks, which Rey returned with smiles; she knew she looked good. 

Heart still pounding. Loudly.

As she put on the headset with one minute to go until the start of class, Rey glanced around the room, hoping for a hint of that dark black hair she’d come to associate with Monday nights. 

No dice. 

She started the class off with a new song, “Hallucinate,” sure that he would come in late, like he had the week before. 

For the first two warm up songs, she kept up hope. 

By the third, her hope was decidedly… less. 

By the fourth, she was dejected. 

By the fifth, she was angry. 

Right in the middle of a climb, she changed the order of the songs. Still Dua, but with a lot more power. She felt a pang of sympathy for her athletes, then stuffed that away. They knew she was intense, and they kept coming. 

By the seventh song, she was fuming. 

How _dare_ he not show up, when she was feeling her most badass, her most attractive, her most powerful. How dare he miss this! He’d told her he liked her, and now he was nowhere to be found. Great. 

By the tenth, and final, song, she was tired. 

Who did she think she was? Dressing up, acting like the badass, powerful woman in charge? She didn’t have her life together. She’d never had a boyfriend, a lover, a man; of course this one didn’t show up when she suddenly wanted him to. People didn’t come back for her. Life didn’t work that way, and she’d been kidding herself thinking it would. 

Rey barely had the energy to get herself home, embarrassment and exhaustion warring inside her for who got to drive. Yes, this night would have gone a lot differently, Rey thought to herself as she carried all her belongings into her apartment, and kicked the door shut behind her. 

If Ben had shown up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	7. A Week in the Life of One Ben Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##  ****
> 
> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [I Write Sins Not Tragedies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CBN9fKeVB4) // Panic! At the Disco
> 
> [Death of a Bachelor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apXWuSTN2LI) // Panic! At the Disco

**Chapter 7: A Week in the Life of One Ben Solo**

##  **Monday**

He wasn’t going. 

Monday night saw Ben holding his head in his hands, hunched over the polished hardwood of his desk––trying not to think about missing Rey’s class for the first time in over a month. His office was dark; the sensor-powered lights having flickered off only moments before. The only light in the room came from his still-active desktop computer, which was flickering blue light and open to his email. 

Ben lifted his face from his hands, scraping his blunt nails along the scruff of his cheeks and chin, slowly re-directing his attention to the computer. 

The time on the monitor read 6:17 PM. 

Ben frowned, rubbing his scruffy chin, an unruly combination of guilt and despair rolling around in his stomach. She’d be finished with warm-ups by now, and would have started pushing them into hills and climbs. 

Ben stopped himself quickly; imagining her class was painful. 

He let out a long sigh as his mind drifted towards their last interaction on Saturday night.

_ “I like you,” he’d said softly, thinking only of her smile, and he couldn’t help it if he tried, the way his confession slipped out. He watched Rey suddenly freeze, and automatically, he tensed in response––feeling suddenly rushing back to his arms, making the stupid cake feel heavier than it ever had in his arms. He watched her face pale, and his heart sank. Her gaze drifted down from his face and settled on the cake.  _

_ “I have to go,” she was saying, and he watched the words form on her lips, and he nodded unconsciously in response, and then she was walking away and he was finally setting the cake down on the kitchen island, and he was bracing his arms on the counter, breathing heavily. _

He’d told her he liked her––something he hadn’t been brave enough to admit to  _ himself–– _ and she’d run away from him. He’d told her he liked her and she’d  _ physically exited his presence _ . On purpose. Quickly. 

If that didn’t scream rejection, Ben didn’t know what did. 

Thus, he was here, in his office, late on a Monday night, committing himself to his office so he didn’t do something stupid. Like go to her class. Where he clearly wasn’t wanted.

Ostensibly, he was in his office late “catching up on work,” but that was only a feeble excuse he’d thrown at Poe earlier in the evening, when Poe had looked pointedly at Ben and then at the clock on the wall. Ben didn’t think Poe was aware of what exactly had happened between him and Rey on Saturday night, only that his matchmaking hadn’t gone exactly to plan. Ben was fine keeping Poe in the dark to the truth. He didn’t need Poe’s pity. 

Ben looked once more at the clock. 6:21 PM. He focused again on the computer, and flicked through a couple of emails; not because anything was urgent or required immediate attention––just for something to do. To distract himself. 

He killed five whole minutes that way. 

Then he got up and paced. The lights flickered on. 

_ Why did he care so much? _ That was a question he’d been asking himself for two days, the answer eluding him as much as sleep. 

The old Ben Solo hadn’t cared–– _ wouldn’t _ have cared. Well, the man called Kylo Ren wouldn’t have cared, because he couldn’t have. He hadn’t had time for women, too focused on playing Snoke’s mind games to do much more than attempt to meet his mentor’s extraordinary expectations. He had buried the light and the desire to be loved deep down, embraced the darkness; certain that no one could, or would, truly see him, and like what they saw.

And where had that left him? Yearning, for touch outside of duty, for love outside of gain, for connection outside of obligation. To feel alive. Rey made him feel alive. 

Ben continued to pace, and ran a hand through his hair. 

That was putting it lightly. 

At 6:32 PM, tired of his own thoughts, he decided to see if anyone else was still in the building. Exiting his office, he stretched tall, and looked out at the open bullpen, listening for the rustling of papers or the clacking of keys. Nothing. Not a soul. 

“Have a good evening, sir,” said a soft voice behind his right shoulder. 

“Gah!” Ben startled, and turned around to find his assistant Mitaka leaving the office next to his, a book bag slung over one shoulder. Ben cleared his throat and comported himself, heart beating quickly from surprise. “You too, Mitaka. Good work today.” 

Dopheld Mitaka bobbed his head at Ben, then hesitated. Ben thought maybe he was about to say something, but he watched Mitaka close his mouth, nod again, and begin to make his way through the rows of desks towards the exit, giving Ben one last, hesitant look before heading out the glass door into the lobby. 

Ben looked at his watch. Well. That had killed four minutes. 

By this point, Rey would have had them doing runs, gearing up for the final routine before cool-down. 

Ben sighed.

At 6:39 PM, after returning to his office and putting on Panic! At the Disco while trying to distract himself once more with inconsequential emails, he received a phone call from his mother. He was so done with the day by that point that when he answered her call inviting him to dinner the following night, he merely paused his playlist, answered her cordially, and agreed without putting up a fight. 

“You’re moping,” he heard her observe through the phone. He sighed in response. By that point, though, after all of the effort of answering the phone and readily agreeing to her plans, his sudden goodwill towards her had expired, and he hung up quickly, once more putting his head down on his desk. 

Definitely moping. 

When 6:45 PM came around, and Rey’s class had ended across town, Ben felt as drained as if he’d actually gone to class. He’d barely slept over the past two days; any time he tried, snippets of his conversation with Rey flashed before his eyes, forcing him to analyze how it had all gone wrong. 

Ben groaned. It was so  _ stupid _ that he cared so much, that his skin prickled with embarrassment when he pictured Rey sprinting away from him, that he wanted still, so badly, to be in her presence, even after being rejected. That he still craved that feeling of connection with her, even if he couldn’t be with her in the way he wanted to. And he wanted to, he realized suddenly. He wanted to… be with her. 

_ She ran away from you. That’s a no _ , he tried to tell himself with the familiar sinking feeling in his chest as he gathered his briefcase and flicked off the lights. 

Ben groaned, and leaned his head back against the wall of the elevator as he shot down twenty floors of the high rise in which his mother’s firm resided. 

_ She doesn’t want you. _

* * *

##  **Tuesday**

Tuesday rolled around with skies as grey as his  _ feelings _ . He passed the workday in a slump after another restless night; grouching at anyone who crossed his path, prompting Mitaka to send apology notes to three of his coworkers on his behalf. It was a blessing Poe had been offsite; Ben didn’t think his barely-checked temper could have survived even the shortest conversation with his friend. 

Sure, yeah, the girl he liked ( _ obsessed over)  _ didn’t seem to really think of him in the same way ( _ she’d run away from him) _ even though they’d seemed to share a weird magical connection whenever they were in a room together, where everyone else seemed to fade away. 

His significantly dour mood continued as he rushed home to have dinner with his mother.

“Mother,” he grumbled to Leia, kissing her on the cheek when he crossed the threshold, coming into the kitchen through the back door. She accepted his kiss, and shooed him in. 

“It’s cold tonight,” she muttered, as she hastily shut the glass door behind him, and busied herself with pulling plates out of the cabinets to set them on the table. 

Ben studied her as he shucked off his coat. She was wearing a long green sweater and loose grey pants, her hair tied in one long, grey braid flowing down her back. Where she looked comfortable and homely, Ben still seemed professional; he’d nearly been late after a meeting with the ACLU of Maryland, and was thus, still in his dress shirt and slacks. 

“I didn’t really feel the chill,” Ben said in reply, hanging his coat up by the door. “You sure you’re not just getting old?”

“Ben,” his mother replied in a warning tone. He chuckled to himself, suitably chastened, his mood lightened only somewhat at their familiar teasing. He frowned, reminding himself he was supposed to be grumpy, and cleared his throat. “No Threepio tonight?” he asked, as he watched his mother take a casserole dish out of the oven. He moved over to help, but Leia waved him off, replying, “Oh no, I gave him the night off.” 

Ben wrinkled his nose as he pondered the concept of his mother’s cooking compared to their butler’s. “Does this mean you cooked?” 

“You know what, I do believe it does,” she replied, this time with a hint of snark in her tone. Ben felt the smallest grin lift the corners of his mouth, and turned away before his mother could see. He felt Leia’s gaze tracking him on his path to the wine cabinet as she set the casserole dish on the table. 

“I can feel you watching me,” he told her, taking out a bottle of Pinot Noir and uncorking it.

“Good.”

He heard a jingle, and turned around to the sight of his mother sitting on one side of the kitchen table with a French bulldog in her lap. “Gary’s judging you, too,” she said in a conspiratorial whisper, picking off a piece of cheese from the top of the casserole to feed to the pooch, who smacked his lips as he gobbled it down. Leia settled herself, looking pleased. 

“Mom,” Ben responded exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. 

Leia hummed in response, her attention fixated on the dog. Ben sighed, turning back to the wine, pouring two glasses before walking back towards the table. His mother had adopted Gary shortly after his father’s death; right before Ben had returned home. Gary was attached to Leia, and Leia to Gary. Where one was, the other wasn’t far away. Ben shook his head, then sat down quickly, handing his mother her glass of wine. Not a minute later––

“So tell me about her,” Leia started, taking a sip of her wine. 

“Mom!” Ben exclaimed, placing his just-picked-up-fork down impatiently. 

“What? Gary, get down. It’s written all over your face. You know, you Solo men really have no poker face, despite what your father would––”

“Mom!” 

“Oh, you know it’s true. He couldn’t hide a  _ thing _ when we were married, did you know? He once tried to––” 

“Mom…” Ben continued in a warning tone, glowering at his mother. 

“Fine, well, joke’s on you, because now we get to talk about your love life.”

Ben groaned. 

“Well?” He watched as his mother spooned salad onto her plate, seemingly unconcerned with his unwillingness towards a discussion about his life. “Poe mentioned––”

“Poe? Mother, you discussed my love life with  _ Poe?”  _ Irritation suddenly clawed its way up Ben’s throat. He tugged at the collar of his dress shirt, seeking relief. 

“Well, Benjamin, it’s the only way I end up knowing anything about your life––”

“Why don’t you just ask?” Ben asked, frustration taking hold. 

“What do you think I’m trying to do here?” Leia asked, sounding exasperated. He stared at her for a moment before grumbling to himself.

“Excuse me?” Leia narrowed her eyes at him. 

“I’m trying.” Ben repeated. He swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. “Okay? I’m trying.” He took a deep breath, and admitted, “But you make it very difficult when you bring Poe into the picture––” 

Leia threw up her hands. “Poe? What does he have to do with anything?”

“Exactly, mother!” Ben’s frustration reached a boiling point, and he felt himself get loud. “My point, exactly. It’s just––” Ben broke off suddenly. 

“What?” Leia inquired, focusing all attention on Ben. 

“Sometimes, I––” Ben sighed, that familiar nervous energy around his mother prompting him towards honesty––just to get something off his chest. “Sometimes I just feel like you, like you’ve always…” Ben closed his eyes, willing his emotions to simmer, another confession brimming on the tip of his tongue, threatening to break. “Liked you’ve always liked Poe more than me.” 

Ben took a deep breath. There, he’d said it. He cracked open his eyes to see his mother sitting across the table from him, a shocked expression on her face. He tensed. An eerie sick feeling spread through his stomach as he watched her react to his words. 

Leia clicked her tongue, said “I see,” then abruptly got up from the table and left the room. 

Ben covered his face with his suddenly shaking hands, and tried to take deep breaths. Not ten minutes into dinner, and Ben had ruined it. He tried not to think about all the ways he’d ruined his mother’s  _ life _ , but memories of painful holidays, birthdays, and other normal family occasions came streaming back into his brain, causing him to wince. Poe was almost certainly a better son to her, blood relative or not. 

He uncovered his eyes enough to see Leia come back into the room with a large book. She plopped it down in front of Ben, then resumed her seat across from him, and began to eat once more. Ben stared at her in disbelief. “What’s this?”

“Go ahead, look at it,” she said, forking salad into her mouth. 

It felt like a test. Ben opened the unmarked cover, and started flipping through. He swallowed heavily when he realized what it was, and slowly, his hands stopped shaking and the sick feeling gradually faded away, replaced with an ever growing feeling of guilt. Scraped together in the book were newspaper clippings of… him. Well, him as Kylo Ren. He flicked through clippings of him in the courtroom, him being interviewed on television, cartoon drawings of his cases. He looked up at his mother, tears pricking in the corner of his eyes as the guilt steadily grew. 

Leia was looking at him steadily. “I have loved you since before you were born, and I will love you even when I am gone,” she said solemnly. She grabbed Ben’s hand across the table. “I have always, and will always love you, Benjamin.” 

Ben stared at his mother, at a loss for words. He took a shaky breath, and wiped his eyes with his free hand. After a quiet moment, Leia pulled away. 

“Now, tell me about this girl.” 

“It’s not about––”

“So there’s not a girl involved?” 

“No, there is, but––” 

“Tell me.” 

* * *

##  **Wednesday**

Wednesday brought cloudy skies and a new fear brought on by images in his mother’s scrapbook, despite their dinner ending on a positive note.

“You wouldn’t have been good for her anyways,” Ben reminded himself through gritted teeth, catching his own eyes in his rearview mirror as he drove to his second meeting of the day. He recalled the terror he’d felt when he’d thought Rey had learned about his past. 

_ “I know who you are.”  _

_ Ben had frozen, the words plunging like daggers into his heart; his body tensing suddenly in fight or flight. He had been prepared for her to say anything but that. Icey awareness spread through him as he contemplated her words. His hands started shaking. He searched her eyes, shrewdly looking for any indication of revulsion or fear that she would almost certainly feel if she knew the truth––the truth that only a handful of people in the world knew.  _

She’d definitely have run away from him if she knew the truth. He wasn’t good for her. He had a dark past that he was actively trying to run away from; dragging her along for the ride wouldn’t have ended well. A familiar feeling of self-hatred began bubbling up, and he gripped the steering wheel tighter. 

_ Yes _ , he nodded,  _ definitely for the best that she doesn’t like you back _ . 

His Wednesday meetings were very nearly unbearable after that. Mitaka had to write two more apology emails. 

* * *

##  **Thursday**

By Thursday afternoon, Ben was contemplating skiving off work for the rest of the week. At every hour of the day, his thoughts kept drifting towards Rey, like his brain hadn’t gotten the memo that she wasn’t available. It took Poe three tries to get his attention. 

“Ben.” 

“Ben, you need to talk to me.” 

“Ben, she got  _ sick _ .” 

“What?” Ben flicked his eyes away from his computer to take in Poe standing by his desk, then cast them back to the deposition he was supposed to be reading. 

He heard Poe sigh. “She got sick, Ben, that’s why she didn’t respond to you,” he said. 

“What?” At this, Ben forced himself to focus on Poe’s face. 

Poe smirked. “Knew that’d get your attention. Yeah, she got sick from drinking too much, Finn told me.” 

Ben stared at him. 

“She told Finn, and Finn told me. You didn’t think I’d eventually find out what happened?” Poe said smugly before settling himself into one of the two leather chairs in front of Ben’s desk. 

Ben just gaped at him in disbelief for a minute before collecting himself enough to respond. “What?” he managed to croak out. 

Poe smirked again. “I knew you liked her, ya codfish,” he said proudly, crossing his arms. “I knew it before you even met her.” 

“How did you– how could you–” Ben stammered, his mind drawing a blank. 

“Because I know my best friend, that’s how,” Poe answered. “So now that you know why she had to, like, disappear… what are you going to do?” 

Ben went home and got drunk. 

* * *

##  **Friday**

Friday morning brought clear skies and a raging hangover. 

Ambling out onto his front steps, Ben paused and took in a deep gulp of early morning Maryland air, wincing as the 7 AM sunlight hit his eyes. He surveyed the well-manicured lawn that separated his small cottage from the large gray stone mansion his mother called home, but found no reprieve from his symptoms. Yawning, he focused his attention on two large blue butterflies that were hovering around some birds of paradise flowers, and tried to ignore his headache. 

He’d barely slept the night before; a common problem every night for the past week, but especially true last night. The combination of a large amount of whiskey and in depth analysis of Poe’s revelation had made sleep extremely elusive. And now, here he was, standing in the early morning sunlight, contemplating jogging through the hangover, just to prolong reality a bit longer. 

_ “Ben, she got  _ sick.”

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be elated or still depressed. His analysis hadn’t helped him come to a conclusion. Had she gotten sick at that moment because she was disgusted by his admission? Or had sickness just taken her at the same moment in a weird coincidence? 

Ben refused to allow himself to hope that she felt the same way he did. 

He stretched, then headed around the side of the house, breaking into a jog as he passed Chewie standing guard outside the front gate. He absentmindedly noted an unfamiliar old black Honda parked on the street. 

Before long, the act of jogging forced him to focus on his body, his movements, his breath. He’d picked up jogging as a way to keep his negative thoughts at bay when he’d returned from Los Angeles, at the insistence of his therapist. Therapy and living at the cottage on the estate, his mother’s two stipulations for coming home; he’d readily agreed to both. Before taking Rey’s spin class, though, he’d only run on weekends. When he’d realized his endurance needed a little bit of help, he’d added in running a few more days a week, which had helped with his mental health as well as his physical health. 

_ “She got sick, Ben, that’s why she didn’t respond to you.” _

Ben shook his head. He was supposed to be avoiding a return to reality and thoughts about Rey. Halfway through his normal route around the lake in their subdivision, he slipped into a bit of a runners’ high, and decided to go an extra mile, just to beat out the last vestiges of his hangover.

Coming home after about four miles, he waved again to Chewie guarding the front gate, and headed for the front door, stopping on the stoop to hitch at the front and breathe. The morning’s run had been good, but lack of sleep was quickly catching up to him.  _ Coffee _ .  _ Coffee now _ , Ben thought determinedly. 

_ “She told Finn, and Finn told me.” _

He stepped past the birds of paradise plants on the front porch through to the house, heading for the kitchen in the back where he and his mother had had dinner on Tuesday night. Passing his mothers’ office off the front hallway, he stopped, and leaned his ear against the door like he had when he was a young boy. Twenty years ago, it was more than likely he would hear his mother and father arguing loudly. Now, he could just make out two low female voices, but no words or other significant tones.  _ Who could she be meeting with this early in the morning?  _ Leia had been known on occasion to take early meetings––he got his early riser behavior from her, certainly not his father––but he didn’t remember her or Poe mentioning it the day before in the office.

Pushing away from the office, Ben continued walking towards the kitchen to find–– _ bless him _ ––a large, steaming, fresh pot of coffee. Silently thanking Threepio to the stars and back, Ben poured himself a cup, and began to scroll through the news on his phone. 

By the time he’d finished his coffee and answered a few emails, Ben’s headache was nearly gone, and the nausea with it. He threw one last questioning glance towards his mother’s office before heading out the back door towards his cottage to get showered and changed. 

_ “So now that you know why she had to, like, disappear… what are you going to do?”  _

Throwing on a blue suit, just to mess with Poe, who had teased Ben recently about wearing nothing but black, he noticed his phone light up. He saw the text from Poe, and felt his blood run cold. 

> **Poe Dameron:** Hey man, where’s your mom?  I can’t get ahold of her.  She was supposed to meet me at 08:30 for a new client. 

Ben froze. His mother never missed meetings with clients. Hurtling out of the cottage without shoes, he bounded across the lawn and quickly pounded in the code to get into the main house. Once through the kitchen, he sprinted the rest of the way to her office. Did she get sick? Did Snoke somehow get to her?  _ He knew he should have checked on her _ . 

Without knocking, Ben burst into his mother’s office. “Mom, are you okay? Poe said––” his words trailed off as he slowly took in the two figures sitting before him, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Leia was there at her desk, looking at him with surprise, and seated in front of her was none other than the woman he couldn’t forget. 

“Rey?”


	8. Boy Meets Girl (Again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did update two days in a row bc I've been sitting on this chapter for weeks now... it (along with another chapter coming up!) was one of the first chapters I actually wrote for this fic, way back in March. So... enjoy! 
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Music for this chapter:  
>  [Edge of Seventeen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsNtkuJEgRQ) // Stevie Nicks

**Chapter 8: Boy Meets Girl (Again)**

Rey stared at Ben, mouth agape. He was wearing a navy blue suit, his shirt buttons undone, and Rey thought she’d never seen anyone so attractive in her entire life.

“Benjamin, what are you doing?” Leia asked in a tone of surprise. 

“Poe,” Ben says, waving his phone at her with his right hand, his eyes never wavering from Rey’s. “He says you’re late for a meeting.”

“Am I?” Leia frowned, looking down at her own phone. “Oh! Would you look at the time? Rey, sweetie, I’m so sorry I let us get so far off track.” 

Rey reluctantly tore her eyes away from Ben––if she didn’t know better, she’d think he was enamored by her, too––to look at Leia questioningly. 

“Wha–? Oh.” Rey’s eyes bulged with understanding. “Oh! I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I knew you said you could only chat for an hour, I just got carried away, and… ” 

Leia laughed gaily, “No worries, I got carried away, too,” she assured Rey as she gently began sorting out papers on her desk. “I enjoyed talking with you, in fact.”

Rey blushed, and began fumbling with her notebook and gathering printouts from the mess she’d created on Leia’s desk, stuffing them into her book bag haphazardly. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest that she was sure both Ben and Leia could hear it. Grabbing a stack of binders, she attempted to throw them into her bag, but in her haste, dropped two on the floor. 

Ben started toward her to help, but Rey put up her hand to stop him. “I got it,” she said hurriedly, not meeting his eyes. The sooner she got out of this room, the better. Ben wouldn’t want to see her, she was sure of that, especially after he’d skipped her class on Monday.

Finally closing the straps on her bag, Rey looked up at Leia, who was looking between the two young adults, a mischievous gleam in her eye. Ben, who apparently had seen it too, rushed to say, “Mom, don’t –” but Leia interrupted him. 

“I’m just going to step outside for a minute and check in with Poe, and then I’ll be back, is that alright Rey?” 

Rey froze. “Oh, I’m sorry, I can go––” 

“Nonsense, we still need to schedule our next meeting. I think we’re far from finished on this subject,” she laughed, standing up and moving towards the hall. “Ben can keep you company for a few minutes, can’t you, Ben?” 

“No, I don’t have––” Ben started hurriedly.

“Thank you, dear,” Leia quietly shushed him with a look as she walked around him to the door, which clicked shut behind her. 

Ben stared at the closed door, running a hand through his hair, then slowly turned around to face Rey. 

Painfully aware of the blush on her cheeks, she whispered, “Really, I can go.” 

“No, it’s fine,” he said. He hesitated, then sunk down into a chair by the door, bringing his head into his hands. 

Rey had not expected her day to go like _this_. 

* * *

**Two hours before...**

She’d started her day early. Rey had arrived at exactly 7:00 AM at the former New York State Representative’s house on Friday morning, just as she’d agreed with Mrs. Organa’s assistant, nervously adjusting her cream-colored pencil skirt as she walked up the stone pathway, looking down every other step to make sure she didn’t get a heel stuck in any of the landscaping. 

She’d been nervously anticipating this moment for days; this was her chance to meet the woman she’d looked up to for a decade, the woman who inspired her career, the woman who had saved her life. 

She’d paused when she reached the front doors, glancing around at the immaculate porch framed by tall Birds of Paradise plants. A set of huge double doors rose out of the concrete slab she had paused on, framed by pebbled glass windows that prevented visitors from seeing inside clearly. Rey had been overwhelmed by the clean lines, the neutral grey tones. It radiated wealth, yes, but also, a quiet peace. Rey had been struck by the thought that this home was built as a _sanctuary._ The thought had calmed her slightly.

A glimmer of movement in the window had startled her. Looking closer, Rey noticed two soft brown eyes looking at her through the pebbled glass. Then the door opened, and Rey had tried to catch her breath because Representative Leia Organa was there. Ben’s mother was _right there._

* * *

Neither she nor Ben spoke for a full minute. Maybe two. Rey looked down again, fiddling with the clasp on her bag, sneaking a few glances up at him, noticing his disheveled appearance in his rumpled dress shirt and… lack of shoes? While his head was still in his hands, she let her eyes rove over his luxurious dark hair, then the large hands grabbing his hair. Reflecting, she found herself noting his chivalry and determination in coming to rescue his mother from… her. She smiled.

This man… What was he doing to her? 

She straightened, resolute, and then, suddenly, at the same time… 

“I’m sorry––” 

“I guess I should explain––” 

Rey laughed nervously as Ben’s eyes found hers. As she gazed back at him, she thought she could sense a trace of sadness in them, amongst his overwhelming confusion. As if he could read her thoughts, Ben suddenly pulled his eyes away and coughed. “What are you doing here, Rey?” 

Rey nodded, “I, uh––I’m interviewing Ms. Organa for one of my grad school assignments. She led a lot of really great health initiatives during her time in politics… but, of course you know that,” she trailed off, looking embarrassed. 

Ben nodded. 

“Plus, she’s kind of my hero,” Rey mumbled. 

“Yeah, she’s great,” he mused, bringing his hand once more to comb through his hair. Rey caught her breath at his movement, suddenly engaging a vision of her own fingers dragging through his wavy locks, her small fingers raking his scalp as she sat in his lap, feeling him underneath her, because of course he’d already pushed her skirt up to her hips, and was now passionately kissing her, his large hands hot on her body, as one grabbed her back and another wrapped around the back of her neck, pulling her ever closer to him, and _God_ , _yes_ , she wanted to be closer to him… 

_Wait, what?_ Rey blinked. Her heart was beating out of her chest, her mouth was open, and there was––what? Was that drool on her lip? 

Worst of all, Ben was looking curiously at her now. Rey blushed a furious shade of red, and searched for anything, anything else to look at and occupy her thoughts. Casting her gaze back over Leia’s desk, she suddenly blurted out, “I’m working on my Master’s in Public Health right now. My master’s thesis is about children’s nutrition policies and where we’re at now with science compared to where we were at during different points throughout American history. I’m using elementary school lunches as an example,” she said quickly, words rushing into each other. Then she looked down, and took a deep breath. “Her ‘No Hungry Child’ program saved my life.” 

“Oh,” Ben said simply. She found she couldn’t look at him. 

“Anyways,” she puffed out after another minute of silence between them. “Your mom is awesome, and I really look up to her.” Then, she allowed herself to look up at him. He was resting his chin on his fist. She took the opportunity to study his profile. Yes, she could see a bit of Leia in him now, that proud forehead and cheeks. 

Ben let his arm fall away from his face as he suddenly turned towards her. “How did you know she was my mom?” he questioned, his expressive eyes narrowing.

Rey blinked, “Well, you called her ‘Mom’ when you came in here.” 

“Oh.” Ben sat back in his chair, frowning, but chastised. 

Rey blushed, and took a deep breath, then confessed, “But I may have asked Poe for more information about you, too.” 

“Oh,” Ben said again, his dark eyes boring into hers. 

_Yeah, because I haven’t been able to get those damn eyes out of my mind for weeks._

But she didn’t say that, smirking instead. “Yeah, I had to know who this guy was who started showing up to all my classes. I had to make sure he wasn’t a stalker.” 

At this, Ben’s face fell, and he leaned forward, “Rey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you––” 

“No, Ben, it’s okay,” Rey interrupted with a small laugh, feeling better now that she was teasing him. “I like having you in my class.” 

“Oh, good––I mean, yeah, I liked going,” Ben said in a relieved tone of voice. Then, quickly reassuming his intense stare, “Rey, I’m sorry.” 

Rey’s smile faded slowly off her face as she gazed warily at Ben across the room. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said–what I said– at Finn’s birthday,” he rushed out. “I wasn’t thinking, and I didn’t even think that you might not feel the same way because––” 

“I do,” Rey interrupted, hoping her voice sounded steady as she felt her heart beat rapidly. She _definitely_ hadn’t planned on telling him that, but it seemed like her mouth was taking orders from her heart, rather than her head. 

“And I––what?” Ben stopped, sputtering in shock. 

“I do,” Rey repeated, nodding shyly, awed by her own bravery. Had she… had she just told Ben she liked him?

* * *

“Ah… you do,” Ben echoed back to her, his stomach doing flips. Had she… had Rey just told him she liked him? 

“Ben, I…” The gorgeous woman sitting across from him in his mother’s office stopped, took a deep breath, then started again. “Ben, I don’t have much experience with… this,” gesturing at the space between the two of them. 

Ben stared at her in disbelief, his Friday morning schedule completely thrown out the window. He could feel his phone buzzing under his leg, but he ignored it. Poe could go to hell. He wondered dimly where his mother was, and what was taking her so long, but he found that he didn’t really care. She could stay out of there forever for all he cared, as long as Rey kept talking. Had she… had she really just confessed that she had feelings for him, too? He felt himself too shocked to respond. 

Rey continued, looking into his eyes, “This scares me to bits, honestly, Ben.” 

“I scare you?” Ben croaked out in a hushed tone, his heartbeat quickening with trepidation. 

“No!” Rey answered loudly, too quickly. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath. 

Ben took a deep breath himself because this day _really_ had not gone the way he thought it was going to. 

“No, Ben,” Rey repeated, opening her eyes. “Not _you_ , specifically. _This_.” She gestured at the space between them again. “Relationships. Boys, uh– men. I––There was this one time, I––my last, uh–– well, anyways, he, uh...” She shut her mouth, looking at him warily, clearly contemplating how much to share with him. 

Then it hit him. Her last ex had probably been a dick. Ben knew the type. “Oh,” he said softly, his eyes falling down to his hands, the breath whooshing out from his lungs. “Shit.” 

“Yeah,” Rey sniffled. “Shit. Haha. He, umm… he, well, I thought he was a good guy, but– and, I mean, he still is a good guy, but we, umm, he––” Ben stayed quiet. “He didn’t stop,” Rey said determinedly, though her voice shook a little. Ben bowed his head. Someone had hurt _Rey?_ His sweet––no, he chastised quickly, not _his_. Someone had hurt Rey. 

He felt hot, strong anger welling up inside him, threatening to take over. He took short deep breaths, willing his anger to simmer so he could focus on her. It struck him all of a sudden how much he had grown to care for this woman, how quickly he’d begun to feel _protective_.

He looked up at her again, opening his mouth to say something comforting––what, he didn’t know––when suddenly all his anger disapperated at the sight in front of him. Silent tears were tracking down Rey’s face, and she was desperately trying to brush them away, to no avail. Rey was hurting _now_. 

Ben jumped up and grabbed a tissue from the box on his mom’s desk to hand it to her. Rey looked up at his approach, gave him a small smile, and reached out with a sniffle to receive the tissue, and then several things happened very quickly. 

Their fingers brushed as he handed her the tissue, and of course, _of course_ , electricity sparkled, and both of them snapped their hands back and froze. 

Rey stared at him, openmouthed, while another tear streaked down her face, quicker than the rest.

Ben, instinctively, reached out to wipe the tear off her cheek, not thinking about anything but wanting to take away her sadness, and then––

Rey flinched away. 

Ben pulled his hand back immediately, as if burned. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, and then he wondered how many times he had already apologized in this conversation alone. 

He turned away, walking back across the office to his chair by the door, but he didn't sit down right away. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his back to Rey, still not looking at her, and then he was wondering how it feels like he’s apologizing on behalf of all the assholes out there who take it too far with women, because they can, and he was remembering all the times that he acted like an asshole too, and then he started to get angry again, because what if he hurt someone in that way, and he couldn’t bear to think about Rey hurting, and then he felt ashamed, and he didn’t know how to handle all of the emotions that were flying through him at lightspeed. He clenched his hands into fists, and tried to breathe through his nose, quick and shallow, like his therapist taught him. 

He whirled around to face her, hands clenched into fists in some semblance of control. Rey was really crying now, silent tears streaming down her face. His stomach flipped uneasily. It was so hard to see her so distraught. He opened his mouth to apologize once more, but then––

Leia decided this would be the best moment to walk back into the office. 

Upon reentry, she looked quickly between the two of them, noticing Ben’s clenched fists and Rey’s tear tracks down her face, and the smile that she had worn when she opened the door vanished. She gaped at them, then turned to Ben and barked, “Benjamin, what did you do?” 

Ben turned to his mother, a wave of hurt crashing over him. He felt his face harden into a scowl, and then he bolted out of the office. 

He raced through the hallways, ignoring the sound of running feet behind him, until he reached the garage, and then he quickly went in, locked the door behind him, sank down to the floor, and put his head in his hands once more. 

* * *

“Ben, wait!” Rey pleaded, getting up from her chair to rush after him. Leia was flattened against the door as Rey sprinted through the doorway. 

But Ben was too fast. After a few minutes of running around the maze that was Leia’s house alone, Rey stopped, panting and clutching a stitch in her side. 

_Damn it._ She groaned, and leaned her head against a window.

That spark was still there. It had been different from a handshake or what she remembered from Finn’s party. She closed her eyes and grabbed her stomach, suddenly feeling like she wanted to vomit. Why did she have to start talking about Jake?

Suddenly she heard the squeal of wheels outside, and she snapped her head up to look out the window. A fast black car peeled down the drive past the security guard, and she felt a sinking in her stomach as it raced down the street. Ben was gone. 

Rey sat on the windowsill, and cried. 

Some time later, she returned to Leia’s office, somehow finding her way through the maze. Before entering, she wiped away the tears from her cheeks, and took a deep breath. She still had to grab her bag, and finalize another meeting with Leia. _What a morning_ , she thought dejectedly. 

Walking in, she found Leia sitting at her desk, crestfallen. It was clear that Leia had barely moved since Ben had run out. 

“I always say the wrong thing,” the older woman whispered. “I love him so much, but,” she closed her eyes. “I always get it wrong with him.” 

Rey took her seat again opposite Leia, and bowed her head. Would Leia want an explanation? Could she, Rey, really explain what had happened between them only minutes before? Could she tell Leia that she liked her son very much, that she wasn’t sure why she flinched away from his hand, that she wanted so much to take it back, reach up, and smooth away the lines on his face that had reappeared the moment she had? She choked out a sob, then quickly coughed, not sure how to explain any of that to Ben’s mother. 

Silence ensued, until Leia finally spoke again in a whisper, almost too quietly for Rey to hear. 

“I couldn’t be there for him, when he was younger.” Leia stared at the wall behind Rey’s head. “He was so moody, even as a baby. He would have so many tantrums, and then he would react so poorly when his father and I had to leave. His father complained that he was never an easy boy while I was away, but even when I was home, it was difficult. Han and I nearly separated under the weight of balancing Ben and our political life. If only I had known…” 

Rey sat quietly, her heartbeat returning to normal as she listened. 

Leia continued, still in a whisper, “We sent him away, to his uncle Luke. We thought he would be able to help him, to get him to a better place. We thought…” She hesitated, and a small, choked sob escaped her. “We never imagined that sending him away, we would lose him forever.” She took a deep, shaky breath, then added, “Well, almost forever.” 

Rey nodded at her. Did she want Rey to know, to understand? Rey didn’t grow up with real parents, and this was hurting her, too, to learn that her hero had such a strained relationship with her son. But then, Rey hadn’t really known that Leia had a son before this week. Was this the reason he’d never shown up in profiles of Leia that Rey had pored over? 

Before Rey could begin to guess, Leia spoke again, in a slightly stronger voice, answering a few of Rey’s questions. 

“Then, he went away to college on the other side of the country, and stopped coming home at all. We didn’t see him for almost a decade. He had invited us to his high school graduation, but that was the same time our bill was being passed.” At this, she gestured to the papers still littering her desk, and Rey knew she was referring to No Hungry Child, the bill that had enabled her to grow strong, up, and out of her situation. Rey gulped. “So I couldn’t leave Washington, and Han wouldn’t go without me.” She teared up again. “That, to him, was the worst thing we could have ever done.” She took another shaky breath, then continued, “He shut us out after that. Wouldn’t pick up our calls. Wouldn’t come home, not even once during college. We followed him through friends and family, of course, but by then, not long after he graduated college, we learned that he was working with Snoke.” Her voice hitched at the mention of this name. 

She glanced at Rey. “Do you know the name Edward Snoke?” 

“No,” Rey murmured, shaking her head. 

Leia pursed her lips. “Well he’s irrelevant now, Ben took care of that.” Rey shifted in her seat at Ben’s name, but Leia didn't react, closing her eyes again, Rey assumed, to concentrate on her story. “But before I was in Congress, of course, I was working as an attorney, regularly fighting corporations who took advantage of everyday people, like you and me.” She opened her eyes, seeking Rey’s attention. “Edward Snoke defended those corporations. He defended the giants. He defended the monsters. And he got them off!” She slammed her hand down on the table, making Rey jump. “Whatever it was, tax evasion, theft, murder––” she shook her head. “He got them off,” she growled. 

Rey had never heard of Snoke, but she certainly knew the type. Her foster father had dealt with similar slimey men, and the moment she left his care, Rey never wanted to be near those types again. Had Ben been part of that world? 

“So I decided to make it my goal to fight him.” At this statement, Rey’s eyes grew wide. Leia nodded dimly. “I did. It became my goal to beat him, to thwart his every move. I learned so much about bullies that when I decided to run for office, I wasn’t the least bit terrified. I had already fought the biggest one.” Leia sighed again. “But when Han and I learned that Ben––our beautiful, troubled boy––was working with Snoke, we, umm, ‘freaked out.’” Leia put up fingers as if to quote around the unfamiliar phrase. “We tried harder to reach him, but he ignored us at every step. We started to see him on TV, arguing for oil pipelines, tax cuts for the wealthy, political snakes and vipers. He went by a different name, of course––Kylo Ren,” she spat out. 

Rey didn’t know what to do with this information. Ben had gone by a pseudonym? He had aided and abetted terrible people? She felt sick. 

Leia continued, speaking with less venom and more reverence. “Han gradually put together a plan that involved going _to_ him.” Rey could only stare, her nausea growing stronger. 

“Han went alone,” Leia added, staring off at something Rey couldn’t see. “And he flew his own plane, and his plane went down, and I––I lost him.” At this Leia’s voice broke. “I lost them both.” Sobbing, the older woman put her face in her hands. 

Rey, tears once more streaming down her face, grabbed the tissue box on the desk, and gave one to Leia. 

Leia dabbed at her face, gradually composing herself. She sniffled, then grabbed Rey’s hand across the desk. “You’re a good girl, Rey, I can tell.” 

Rey smiled, and sniffled, too. They sat together in silence for a few more minutes. Rey thought about Ben, her stomach still churning. How could he have been associated with such terrible company? He had seemed like a good person to Rey, and he clearly had changed, based on the fact that Leia and Ben lived together now, but… She watched Leia, silently urging her to continue the story, because Ben was here now, wasn’t he? He was good? 

But Leia seemed to have closed off a bit, because then she said in a more professional tone, “Rey, I’m sorry––we will have to continue our talk about the policies later, is that alright? I do have to get to Poe. I can have Korrie email you later today about my schedule for next week?” 

“Yes, of course,” Rey began, suddenly aware of the time but also full of so many questions, “but Ms. Organa––” 

Leia smiled, and interrupted, “Call me Leia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	9. Trying Something New (Pt. 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this Chapter:
> 
> [Cherry Bomb](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opHXmx3hB-k) // The Runaways 

** Chapter 9: Trying Something New (Pt. 2) **

The next week passed by in a blur for Rey. 

One minute she was driving away from the Organa estate on Friday morning, her head pounding with everything she’d learned, the next, she was at brunch with Rose on Sunday. 

“So  _ he _ ran away from  _ you _ ?” Rose pressed. They were sitting by the front window of a small cafe near the harbor in downtown Baltimore. Rey watched a crowd of teenagers skip by before turning back to Rose. 

“Yeah,” Rey responded, stomach twisting from regurgitating the whole experience. “And you should have seen his face. It was like I had punched him, or something,” she whispered. She didn’t tell Rose about what she had learned from Leia about Ben’s past. 

Rose frowned with sympathy. “Rey, I–” she paused, her face suddenly thoughtful. “Do you think this is a situation where you might want to… talk to someone? Don’t feel pressured. I just think it might be a good thing, you know.” 

Rey stared at her in confusion. “Talk to who? Ben?” 

Rose let out a laugh, and took a sip of her coffee. “A therapist, Rey.” 

“Oh,” Rey scrunched up her nose as she cut into her French toast. She associated therapists with the social workers who used to evaluate her between foster homes. “I’m not sure, Rose, I–” she laughed ruefully, “I don’t think I have a great track record with those, either.” 

Rose smiled with understanding. “I get it, Rey,” she said, reaching for a biscuit from the basket on the table between them. “There were people who came to talk to me and Paige when our parents died, too. They meant well, I’m sure, but they were far from helpful to two scared little girls.” She paused to butter her biscuit, then said lightly, “But I actually started seeing one of the counselors from school, and I think you’d like her, too.” 

“Really?” Rey wracked her brain to see if she could remember Rose saying anything about going to therapy before, but she couldn’t. “Who?”

“Her name is Maz Kanata,” Rose answered, then took a big bite out of her biscuit. “She’s mmphhgreammpht.” Rey laughed. Rose swallowed, then blushed. “Sorry, these are just so good. But yeah–– Highly recommend.” 

Then she was at the studio on Monday night, pedaling her way through a The Chicks playlist, bopping her head to the words, mind elsewhere. Thirty minutes into class, and Ben hadn’t yet made an appearance. She hadn’t really expected him to come after everything that had happened on Friday, but she still felt a pang in her chest every time she saw someone come into the studio that wasn’t him. 

_ Therapy… might be a good idea, _ she thought to herself as she led the class through handlebar push ups. The last “therapist” she’d seen had been the social worker she’d met with on her eighteenth birthday after graduating from the foster care system. Then, she’d been more than eager to leave Unkar Plutt’s ruthless home, graduate high school, and get on with her life. 

Rey smiled ruefully. She agreed with Rose; the poor woman had probably just wanted to help. But Rey had been of no mindset to be helped at the time.  _ Now,  _ she thought,  _ might be a good time.  _ She laughed. Almost twenty-five years old, after all she’d been through, and she was just considering therapy.  _ Better now than never _ . 

Rey finished the class with a round of applause for her athletes, resolute in her decision to reach out to Maz Kanata, whoever she was, and waved to Kaydel at the front desk as she left. 

Rey was going to get to the bottom of her issues, and she was going to feel better. That’s what therapy was for, right? 

Then it was Thursday, and she was  _ finally _ watching movies again with Finn (who had apologized for missing so many) and Poe had been invited, only to be peppered with questions by Rey.

“So he went by Kylo Ren?” she inquired. 

“Yes, Rey, you already asked that,” said Poe, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t know if I should be––” 

“Ah, ah, ah, Poe,” Rey wagged her finger at him from her spot on the couch, her legs on Finn’s lap. “You wanted to play matchmaker. You got us into this mess. You get to answer my questions. No one else can,” she said softly. She thought for a moment. “So he went by a pseudonym, and he moved to B-more, when? A year and a half ago?” 

“Yeah, and then he joined the foundation his mom created when she retired from her House seat, which is where I work,” Poe answered, still looking uncomfortable. He looked at Finn desperately, but the other man shrugged. 

“Hey, man, I’m with Rey––you wanted them together. If there’s something she needs to know, you gotta spill,” Finn said, his eyes on the screen. Poe stared at him, his face scrunched up like he’d just swallowed a lemon. 

Rey grinned, and threw a piece of popcorn into her mouth. 

Then it was Friday, and she was meeting with Leia again, and the older woman wasn’t sharing any more information about Ben, she was asking Rey about her own experiences with the “No Child Hungry” Bill she’d sponsored as Speaker of the House. 

“So I grew up pretty food insecure,” Rey concluded. They had met at the same cafe she’d been to with Rose (a favorite of Leia’s, too, apparently), sitting this time in two rattan chairs at a table right outside the front door, the sweet sea breeze waving around them. Rey took a sip of her latte, and looked across the table at Leia. 

“Ah,” Leia acknowledged, taking a sip of her tea. “I see. So when your elementary school began serving more nutritious lunches, you realized the power nutrition had.” Her eyes twinkled then. “And you grew into the strong woman you are now.”

Rey smiled. 

Then it was Monday again, and she was going to her first therapy appointment. 

“Rey Johnson?” A petite Black woman with short hair opened the door into the waiting room. Rey jumped up, nerves making her jittery. The woman gave a comforting smile as Rey drew closer, then stuck out her hand. Large spectacles and wide eyes peered at Rey. “I’m Maz, and you can call me Maz,” she said, shaking Rey’s hand firmly. 

Rey felt peace wash over her. 

She followed Maz down the hallway of the on-campus clinic into a small office, where two chairs sat facing each other by a window. The walls were painted a calm green color, and a prominent painting of redwoods hung right above a small desk, which had been outfitted with a desktop monitor and a small clock. 

Rey stood by the door until Maz welcomed her in with a hand, and said, “Pick whichever chair, dear, I’m just going to grab my notepad.” Maz turned towards a small bag in the corner, and Rey took the left chair by the window. She sat down and gazed up at the painting above Maz’s desk. Maz sat quickly in the chair opposite, and followed Rey’s gaze. 

“Ah, yes,” she murmured. “The redwoods. Have you been to California, my dear?” 

Rey shook her head. “There’s so much green I haven’t seen,” she admitted. 

Maz laughed, a light kind of laugh that made Rey feel even more comfortable. It was a laugh like a bell.

“Maybe we’ll work on getting you out of the city more,” she said jovially, before winking and turning to write something on her notepad. She finished writing, and then, calmly, turned to face Rey. They sat in silence. 

Rey fidgeted a bit under Maz’s gaze, but pushed up her chin defiantly, and stared back. Was this how all therapy started? Or was this just Maz’s particular brand of examination? Rey felt like she was being X-rayed. The silence continued uncomfortably for a few minutes, until Maz finally broke it by adjusting her spectacles.

“Well,” she started. “I can see that we’re going to get along famously. Shall we begin?” 

And then it was later that night, and Rey was setting up for spin class on a high. 

She and Maz had quickly delved into the root of Rey’s decision to seek out therapy––namely, her fear of being out of control, a coping mechanism she’d desperately clung to after years of changing home environments––and had even broached the subject of her experience with Jake, which Maz had helped Rey see it as an experience she could grow from, not be held down by. 

_ "The belonging you seek is ahead of you,”  _ Maz had said. 

Rey plugged in her phone with the aux cord, feeling light as air. Along with pearls of wisdom that she felt like she’d be thinking about for years, she’d been encouraged by the therapist to “try something new”––something that would strain the boundaries of her normal, everyday world––something that she and Maz could work on not necessarily having control over, and work through. Rey didn’t know yet what it was she would try, but she was looking forward to it. 

She set up her Classic Rock playlist, and began greeting her athletes with a smile on her face as one by one they joined the class. She couldn’t help it, how her grin widened her face and scrunched her nose. She was walking on air. Therapy had been  _ good _ . She was going to get  _ better _ , and  _ learn _ about herself. 

Plus, Maz had been such an encouraging, open-minded listener that Rey couldn’t wait to tell Rose how much better she felt already. 

The class started out as normal; Rey put on “Cherry Bomb” by the Runaways for the warm up, welcomed the group, and asked if it was anyone’s first time in the class (she’d learned now that it was good to ask upfront). A hand shot up at the back. 

“Yes?” Rey called out, straining to make out a large figure in the back, then turning to lower the sound system’s volume. 

“Yeah, uh––” a deep voice responded, and Rey froze with her hand on the dial. She knew that voice. 

And then, suddenly––

She knew how she was going to try something new.

* * *

Ben winced at how quickly Rey froze. 

He had been incredibly unsure about returning to her class, having no idea if Rey would want to see him, given the way he’d acted on the day she’d visited his mother. His mother had mentioned offhandedly that she’d seen Rey the week before, and that “his girl looked well, after all of that.” Ben rolled his eyes at the memory. 

All he could do was pray that Rey wouldn’t toss him out or ask him to leave, and that she would maybe listen to his apology after class. 

He cleared his throat, his hand still raised in the air. He quickly put it down, and lowered his gaze. He hadn’t been brave enough to go up to her before class started, in case she wanted him to leave. He’d wanted at least the chance to watch her lead once more, if that’s all he was going to get. 

He looked up at her again. She was staring at him with wide eyes, very similar to the first time he’d taken her class. This time, it was she who had stopped riding, he noticed. 

He smiled, tentatively, his heart pounding with nerves.  _ This was it _ . She could either ask him to leave, or let him stay. He waited with bated breath as she shook her head, looked around at the class, then looked back at him. And then––inexplicably, she smiled. 

“Welcome back, Ben,” she called shyly. Relief coursed through him. She wasn’t going to throw him out. He waved back in response, and then they both grinned.

Ben felt like he was walking on air. 

By the end of class, Ben felt his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. Every time he and Rey had caught the other’s eye throughout class, they had grinned at one another. Ben didn’t think he’d smiled so much in…well, ever. He hopped off his bike, and waited for her by the door to the studio while her adoring fans queried her for advice. Finally, after about ten minutes, Ben watched the last of her fan club weave out of the room. Rey collected her bags and walked towards him, a grin to rival his own on her face. 

“So,” she said. She drew level with him at the door, looking up at him, still grinning. He looked down at her. 

“So,” he echoed. 

Her grin faltered for a moment. “Come chat with me?” she asked. His grin fell, and he nodded, then followed her out of the studio to a couple of chairs he recognized as the spot where they had first met. 

She seemed to realize that too, and turned back to him, eyes wide. “Sit?” she asked tentatively, and he sat, without a word. 

He would let her speak first, he decided, and then he would give his apology. 

“Will you go to dinner with me?” she blurted out, and Ben felt the world tilt on its axis. 

“What?” he responded, shocked. He gazed into her hazel eyes which were lit with the same fire he recognized from her class. 

“Will you go to dinner with me?” she repeated. “My therapist told me I’m supposed to try something new, and I know you said you liked me before, and––” 

“Yes,” Ben didn’t even let her get the sentence out before he was grinning again. 

“Yes?” She looked up at him with such hope in her eyes, he had to say it again. 

“Yes, of course I will,” Ben laughed, a sound that came from deep in his chest. 

Rey squeaked, and Ben didn’t think he’d ever heard anything as cute as that sound in his life, and then she was reaching for his hand, and he was giving it, and there were sparks flying between them, and he was saying yes again, and she was saying Friday? and he was saying yes, and she was saying eight o’clock? and he was saying yes, and she was mentioning an Italian restaurant that she knew near her apartment, and he was saying yes, and then they were walking out to the parking lot, hand in hand, and then she was kissing him on the cheek. 

And Ben was wondering how it was that he got so lucky to be on the planet at the same time and in the same place as Rey Johnson. 

And then he was home and the realization was sinking in, and then he was panicking because––

He was going to  _ dinner _ with Rey. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey and Ben go on their first date...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> It's hard to be creative in this climate (cultural, political, and ecological) isn't it? 
> 
> Please enjoy Chapter 10. :)
> 
> Music for this chapter:
> 
> [The Way You Look Tonight // Frank Sinatra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gab2Vuz2Nk)

**Chapter 10: Dinner with Rey, Part 1**

Ben was pacing around the small restaurant bathroom, panicking.

_ Everything had been going fine, _ he thought to himself angrily, as he walked over to the sink, turned on the tap, and splashed his face, watching in the mirror as the water dripped down his white collared shirt. 

He could survive awkward silences, soup mishaps, and an interrupting waitress. He could even survive a hipster Baltimore Italian restaurant with a vaguely succulent vibe.

But this? He shook his head, feeling like he was about to throw up. He went back to pacing the length of the small restroom, his mind racing.

He couldn’t do it. 

He couldn’t. 

He couldn’t hurt her.

* * *

52 minutes earlier… 

The restaurant was a bold choice, Ben thought to himself as he settled himself nervously into his seat across a small round table from Rey, who began digging into the bread basket as soon as she sat down.

It was a small little corner Italian place––one that had clearly been updated and renovated by hip young owners. The outside had been painted with pale cream stucco, a stark contrast to the brick row houses next door. Pale pink walls lined the main dining room inside, matched by pastel napkins and tablecloths on the tables. There were little photos of succulents lining the walls. 

Ben frowned as he looked at them. Those didn’t seem very Italian. 

He continued to observe the restaurant as the hostess walked them through the specials, noticing that the servers all seemed to be dressed casually in jeans and matching white button-downs. Ben froze and looked down; he, too, was wearing jeans and a white button. He looked up self-consciously, to see if Rey had noticed. 

She was munching on a breadstick and smirking at him, with a mischievous sparkle in her eye. 

His mouth quirked and he settled himself further into the pale yellow corner booth, blushing to the tips of his ears as he thanked the hostess quietly when she handed them their menus. He’d chosen his outfit after a lengthy deliberation with Poe earlier at work over whether or not to wear all black.

Poe had heard about the date from Finn––Ben, of course, hadn’t volunteered that bit of personal information––and had bombarded him with his opinion as soon as he’d arrived at work on Friday morning.

“You did it, man!” Poe had said, pounding him on the back, prompting Ben to almost spit out the sip of coffee he’d just taken on his way back from the office kitchenette. “Where are you going tonight? Is it that Italian place around the corner from their place? Finn and I went there for our third date. I can’t believe it took me the whole week to find out that you’re going out tonight. Truth be told, I had my money on you asking her out, but man, either way I’m happy for you. Feminism, am I right?”

Ben had mumbled something about needing to file a harassment report, which had only prompted Poe to guffaw further and steer him towards Ben’s office with an arm like a vise around his shoulders. “Yeah, okay, buddy. You file one with Jess in HR. Tell her I say hi and I miss her, will ya?” He’d winked as he dropped Ben off at his office door, and turned around to bellow into the bullpen, “I am the matchmaking KING!”

Ben had just stood there, eyes wide in terror as twenty pairs of eyes flickered between Poe and Ben. He could only gulp, smile shakily, and quickly scurry into his office, slamming his door behind him––only to call Poe back in an hour later to get his advice.

Now, as Ben looked around for anything to take his mind off of his outfit ( _ he would have matched Rey if he’d worn his black button-down, _ he thought sorrowfully), he picked up his menu and noticed immediately when he opened it that the food, like the rest of the restaurant restaurant, was bold: classic Italian dishes had been updated with things like chickpeas, jicama, and avocado. 

Rey had brought him to a hipster, healthy Italian restaurant. 

_ Hmm. _ He raised his eyebrows as he scanned the dessert menu prematurely, noting that it listed a “dissected tiramisu” as one of its top items. He returned to the entree section quickly, and, seeing that they had a regular cheese ravioli, mentally selected that option. 

He closed the menu, and methodically focused his attention back on his date, who was smiling happily as she glanced over her own menu, a breadstick in one hand, a tendril of hair falling in front of her face. She was wearing a short black dress that had actually taken his breath away when she’d come around the corner to meet him outside the restaurant at exactly 8:03pm. He’d gaped at her striking figure in black dress and matching heels for so long that she’d blushed, standing in front of him, and asked him if anything was wrong. Pinching himself, he’d told her that no, she was perfect, and led her into the restaurant, trying to keep himself from checking out her ass too openly. He smiled at the sight of her sitting across from him now, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach. 

_ See?  _ He told himself, as she smiled back.  _ There’s nothing to worry about.  _

Yes, it was a nice place for a first date.

A first date with  _ Rey _ . 

He sat quietly for a few minutes, continuing to divert his attention between watching Rey and watching the other patrons in the restaurant, noticing that most of them were around his and Rey’s age.  _ A young hip vibe, then _ , he thought. Straining for something to quell the rising silence between them, Ben poked at the potted plant sitting on the table between them, next to the bread basket. 

Rey raised her eyes at him as he pulled his hand away quickly. The thing was sharp, and–– 

“S’real,” he mumbled, embarrassed. 

She nodded her head, and returned to her own perusal of the menu. 

The silence grew. 

So did Ben’s anxiety.  _ Shouldn’t we be talking on a first date?  _ He cast his gaze wildly for something to talk about.

“Nice place,” he settled on, finally.  _ That’s all you could come up with, Ben? _

“Uh huh,” Rey murmured back, reaching over to grab another breadstick. 

Ben let out a frustrated breath, and clenched his hands around his napkin in his lap. They should be talking. They should be chatting about the weather, at least; or the food they were going to get; or the hipster vibe of the restaurant; or––

“Why are you so nervous?” she asked, curiosity evident in her voice even though she hadn’t even lifted her gaze from her menu. 

“You– uh, you,” he sputtered, looking at her in shock. “Why are you so calm?” he retorted, and then she looked at him, and set her menu down, and opened her mouth, and–– 

“How are we doing here?” A young blonde girl who couldn’t have been older than 17 suddenly interrupted. 

Ben unwillingly pulled his gaze away from Rey. “We’re doing fine, thanks, err––” he squinted at the nameplate affixed to her collared shirt, “Dany?”

“Dany, short for Daenerys, my parents are big Game of Thrones fans,” she rattled off like she likely had a thousand times before. Ben raised his eyebrows at Rey before turning back to Dany. 

“Well, Dany,” he said pointedly, “We are doing just fine. Thanks.” 

The young blonde bopped her head, flipped her notebook out of her apron pocket and queried them each about their orders before flouncing away. Ben watched her leave, then turned back to Rey, who had watched the whole interaction with her hand over her mouth, clearly to stop herself from letting out a giggle. 

“Dany,” she mouthed to Ben before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Ben quirked an eyebrow at her and laughed, and even though it started out as a small polite laugh, before long, he was guffawing long laughs, joined quickly by Rey’s tinkling giggle. He felt heads turn towards them, but he found that he didn't care. He stared at Rey across the table, and suddenly had the thought––

_ I could fall in love with this woman. _

“You were saying?” he said, still chortling, his nerves abating somewhat. He took a deep breath and focused on counting to five as he breathed out.

“Oh!” Rey’s eyes were suddenly twinkling with mischief, and she grabbed yet another breadstick from the basket. 

“Well, I now have this superpower. You see,” she said, pulling it apart. “I just had this sudden realization when I was around the corner from the restaurant,” she pointed vaguely over her shoulder at the door they’d entered from with the piece of breadstick in her hand. “I just had this feeling that tonight was going to be a really big night, and that I should enjoy every minute.” 

Her eyes seemed to sparkle across the table at Ben, who was holding his breath.  _ Same _ , he thought with a smile.

“And,” she continued, her eyes suddenly turning soft, “I also just had this feeling that you would never hurt me.”

Ben felt his stomach drop. 

_ You would never hurt me _ . 

He nodded, his smile feeling all the more fake with every passing second. 

She didn’t know. 

She didn’t know about his past, about who he had been, about what he’d done. 

She didn’t know. 

And that knowledge––which, he suddenly realized, he should have thought of a way to avoid talking about before this very instant––would surely hurt her. He cursed himself inwardly, trying to maintain composure as he watched her chew on a piece of her breadstick. 

How had he  _ not _ prepared for this? He’d been worried that they wouldn’t have anything to talk about, that he wouldn’t be a good date because he hadn’t gone on a date in, well, ten years, but this–– _ this.  _ He’d forgotten to plan for this. 

He couldn’t lie to her. He knew, suddenly, that he didn’t want to. 

But if he couldn’t lie to her, and he didn’t want to tell her, then what was he going to do?

* * *

The solution, he decided, as their entrees arrived, was that he was just not going to talk very much. Once she realized he wasn’t a good date, she’d drop him, and yeah, that would hurt like hell, but at least he wouldn’t hurt  _ her _ . 

So he was taking large bites of his ravioli dish, which, although probably rude, had the desired effect––he couldn’t talk with his mouth full.

_ Good plan, Ben _ , he thought to himself, patting himself metaphorically on the back, while also stubbornly refusing to consider the pain he would endure if Rey actually left him. 

The other problem with this plan, he realized, not two minutes into its implementation, was that Rey seemed fine with silence. He watched her take small sips of the soup dish she’d ordered and stare around at the restaurant, all the while sharing small smiles with him, like she knew what he was trying to do, and wasn’t going to let it get to her. 

That was frustrating. 

“How’s your ravioli?” The gorgeous woman across from him suddenly asked, hazel eyes wide with bemusement as he took another large bite. 

Ben froze, then coughed, and took a sip of his water, nodding his head as he did. “Good,” he croaked out when, after another minute, his mouth was finally free. He took another bite immediately, realizing as he did that common courtesy dictated he was most likely supposed to ask her the same in return. He deliberated whether he could still stay silent, but he found himself chewing as quickly as he could before vocalizing back, “And yours? How’s your, err…”

“Acquacotta,” she supplied, taking a spoonful of the soup as she did. 

Ben nodded. “Acquacotta,” he replied, letting a hint of a truly terrible Italian accent slip out, making the chef’s hand motion as he did. Rey stared at him, then let out a combination of a snort and a laugh, and Ben watched as, almost in slow motion, a bit of soup left Rey’s mouth and flew across the table at Ben, landing square on his cheek. 

“Oh my God!” Rey shrieked, reaching over with her napkin to dab at his face. “How embarrassing,” she mumbled, settling herself back into her seat. She turned beet red. 

Ben couldn’t help it. 

He let out a small laugh, and then a chortle, and then he was guffawing again, and Rey was beaming at him, and he felt his silent resolve fall away instantly. 

* * *

“So why didn’t you decide to become a chef?” he asked Rey as they finished their entrees. His new plan was to just keep her talking about herself, and avoid the subject of him all together. 

Yes, they would just talk about her. 

For the whole night.

And he listened as Rey told him about growing up as a tiny kid in foster care without much food beyond school lunches and what she could find in the school dumpsters. She’d blushed with embarrassment when she told him that, but Ben had smiled encouragingly. She was scrappy; that was cute. She’d continued at his encouragement, and had gone on to tell him how her life had truly changed after his mother’s No Child Hungry Bill came into effect. It put real nutritious food in school cafeterias across the country, she said, and suddenly, she was eating vegetables and feeling strong. 

“What kind of vegetables?” Ben asked seriously.

“Oh, you know,” Rey tossed back, flicking the lone tendril of hair out of her face impatiently. “Broccoli, Cauliflower, all of the potatoes…” she said as she scraped the last bit of soup out of the bowl in front of her and sat back, leaning into the yellow booth. 

“All of the potatoes?” Ben repeated curiously. 

“Yep!” Rey nodded, emphasizing the ‘p,’ eyes sparkling. “Mashed, French-fried, baked,” she listed off. “And my favorite,” she hinted with a tease in her voice. Ben raised his eyebrows and leaned closer to her. 

“Which one is that?” he asked. 

“Sweet,” she said proudly. Ben let his jaw drop. 

“You’re joking,” he told her, settling back in his seat once more. “No one likes sweet potatoes.” 

“Yes they do!” she said back, crossing her arms. 

“Nuh-uh,” he replied, shaking his head. “You know they’re also called yams, right? No one likes yams, Rey.” 

“Okay, next time? Ben? We’re going to order a sweet potato dish. They actually have a good one here, I should have gotten it…” 

“Next time,” Ben agreed, his stomach churning as his nerves pierced a reminder through him. Would there be a next time?

“Next time,” she repeated, and then she was staring at him in the way she usually did in the studio, and then Ben was getting uncomfortable, because he had a secret and it was just seconds from slipping out. He quickly averted his eyes from hers, and took a sip of his water, pasting what he hoped was a convincing smile on his face. 

He avoided her gaze for a full minute by picking at his napkin until he finally looked up to find her staring at him with narrowed eyes. 

“What?” he asked, attempting to sound nonchalant.

“Nothing,” she said, poking around the remains of her dish. He smiled a thin-lipped smile at her, and took another sip of water. 

Dany came by to clear their plates. 

“So what about you?” she asked, picking up one of the last pieces of bread from the basket. 

Ben froze. “What about me?” he deflected. 

“Well, I know you’re a lawyer, but how did you become who you are?” She tossed a piece of bread into her waiting mouth and chewed, never taking her eyes off him.

“Why do you want to know?” he asked, staring off at a place beyond her right shoulder. Maybe he could get her, in a roundabout way, to talk more about herself. 

“Because. You know about me now, but I don’t know about you,” she continued, and he made himself look at her, even if he couldn’t look her in the eyes. He stared at her hairline instead. 

“Can’t we talk about you some more?” he asked, and he hated how he sounded like he was begging, but he  _ was _ begging her to avoid this topic––the topic of  _ him _ . He knew she shouldn’t be with a monster like him––he was  _ bad _ and she was  _ pure good _ , and if he told her, he would surely ruin everything.

“Isn’t that what dates are for? Getting to know each other?” She replied softly, looking, it seemed, right through him. 

He stiffened. 

“Dessert?” Dany was back, this time with chewing gum. She popped a bubble as she waited for their order. 

“Yes please!” Rey exclaimed happily, grabbing the dessert menu from the waitress’s hands. Ben smiled tightly, then took the other menu. Rey looked at him over the top of her menu, and teased, “See something you like?” 

Ben could only cock an eyebrow at her, his nerves battling themselves in his stomach. “I’ll have the creme brulee,” he offered. Dany smacked her gum and nodded, then made a note in her notebook, looking up at Rey. 

“I’ll have that, too,” Rey said. 

“Do you want to share?” Ben asked suddenly.  _ Where had that come from? _ He was seconds away from combusting from the strength he was using to keep himself from blurting out his secret to her but he wanted to  _ share a dessert _ ? 

Rey looked at him inquisitively, then nodded slowly, and Dany nodded quickly and snatched their menus away from them. 

“So you were saying?” Rey continued, as Dany scurried away. 

Ben felt jittery. He was tapping his foot compulsively on the floor, prompting his knee to shake. He was sure Rey could feel it. 

“Uhh, yeah,” he responded, running one hand through his hair, staring at the napkin he was clutching on the tabletop. 

How could he tell her? He couldn’t. He was a monster. She wouldn’t understand, and he couldn’t ask her to.  _ Shit _ . Why had he thought this was a good idea, going on this date, pursuing Rey? They could never have a real relationship if he wasn’t honest, and he really, really didn’t want to tell her about his past. 

Suddenly, a pale hand was reaching into his vision and grabbing his away from his napkin. “Hey, she said, and he looked up into her eyes as he relaxed his grip. “I’m here,” she said, and Ben felt his resolve break as he gratefully clutched her hand, feeling a sudden ringing in his ears. But where to begin? 

He nodded, transfixed by the hope in her eyes. He could do this, he could tell her. She wouldn’t run away from him. He wouldn't scare her off. 

“I promise I won’t run away again,” she murmured, and he stared at her in shock. Could she read his mind? She grinned. 

“No alcohol tonight, I promise I won’t get sick either,” she teased, and he smiled tightly. 

He looked down at their hands, transfixed, then slowly looked her in the eye. 

“Rey, I––” 

Then Dany was back, and they broke apart as she set a creme brulee on the table between them. 

“Can you believe it?” the younger girl yapped. “I thought another couple wanted creme brulee but they didn’t, so this one was just coming out of the oven when you ordered––”

Ben rose quickly, bile rising in his throat, stuttered out, “Bathroom,” and shot off. 

He sped into the single restroom, thanked the universe that there hadn’t been a line, locked the door, and leaned back up against it, breathing heavily. 

* * *

He couldn’t do it. 

He stared at his reflection in the small restroom mirror, absent-mindedly noticing the framed photos of succulents that had made their way onto the bathroom walls, too. 

He didn’t want to throw up. He really didn’t. 

But Rey was going to think he was a monster. He was sure of that. And it was going to hurt her, this knowledge. And she’d already been hurt. By her ex, by life––he didn’t want to be someone else who would.

He had been so close to opening up to her, and she was out there, probably confused, and she’d thought he wasn’t going to hurt her, and he’d told her he  _ wouldn’t _ , and he’d probably done so anyways. 

He needed to leave. Right away. 

Spying a small window above the toilet, Ben walked over and began inspecting it. 

_ “Well, I know you’re a lawyer, but how did you become who you are?”  _

He paused, struck by the memory of her question––which hadn’t been “What do you do?” or “Where do you work?”––but had been “ _ How did you become who you are? _ ” It was a  _ leading _ question, like she already  _ knew who he was. _

Ben stopped trying to jimmy open the window. He took deep, heaving, gulping breaths as he realized what that meant. 

_ She already knew _ . 

* * *

When Ben finally walked back into the dining room, his eyes found Rey right away. She was sitting alone, of course, at their table, her back ramrod straight, staring straight ahead. He took a deep breath, and continued over to her, swooping into his chair with a small smile, noting that the majority of the creme brulee on the table had been eaten. 

She was pissed. He could tell. When he sat down, she turned her body away from him slightly, arms crossing. “I thought maybe you had left,” she muttered, facing the dining room instead of him. 

Ben merely hummed before grabbing a spoon and taking a bite of what was left of their dessert. 

“What, and leave this all for you?” he said, licking the spoon. She glared at him, then, and he gulped. He deserved that. He set the spoon down. 

“I don’t know where to begin,” he muttered, finally, after a few minutes of silence where his heart was pounding like a hammer. 

Rey raised her eyebrows at him. “Ben, I basically just told you my whole life story. You know I’m a nobody––” 

“No you’re not.” Ben interjected ferociously, staring at her. 

“Yes, I am,” Rey continued, seemingly surprised by his interruption. “And that’s not even––”

“Not to me,” Ben interrupted, prolonging the inevitable, but somehow still needing to convince her of that fact. 

Rey looked at him questioningly. “Oh...kay?” 

Ben nodded, then motioned for her to continue. “You were saying?” 

Rey stared at him, eyes searching his face, which he strained to remain neutral. He needed to know what she knew. Humming slightly, he took another bite of the creme brulee. 

“You know how I grew up, and why I study what I study, why I fight for the same causes your mother fights for, and you let me talk, talk, talk, thinking you were interested––” 

“I  _ am _ interested, Rey,” Ben interrupted, irritation breaking through his layers of neutrality he’d laid over his emotions like frosting on a cake. 

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “You let me talk, and then when I get to ask you––anything––you close up like a clam! And I’m left sitting here, thinking, what did I say? Does he not like me anymore? What did I do––and then you get up and leave! So talk to me, Ben, and tell me why I shouldn't just get up and walk away because you clearly––” 

Ben sighed, and interrupted once more. “You should.” 

“Excuse me?” This seemed to surprise her more than anything else he’d said. 

“You should leave.” 

And it was only because Rey seemed  _ beyond _ shocked, Ben knew, that she didn't. “What?” she whispered, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. 

“Go, leave,” Ben repeated. He wouldn’t hurt her anymore if she left. “I’m a––” at this, his breath hitched. 

Rey looked at him, and seemed to look through him. “You want me to leave,” she said slowly, wiping her eyes. He could tell that she wasn’t buying it. 

“Yeah,” he said, and he could hear it in his own voice, how unsure he sounded. “Yeah,” he attempted again, trying to sound more resolute. 

She stood up suddenly, tossing her napkin onto the creme brulee. “Let me get this straight.” She took a deep breath, fury sparking in her eyes. “You want me to leave, and you don’t want to see me again?” 

Ben winced. 

Rey nodded, and sat down. “I didn’t think so.” 

They sat in silence. 

Rey took a deep breath, then, “Ben, I wanted to open up to you tonight.” Ben shook his head, ashamed, but Rey grabbed one of his hands and held it tight. He stared at her again in surprise. 

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay. Sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed.” 

“Rey, I want to tell you, but–” 

“But?” 

“But,” Ben took deep, calming breaths.  _ You’re not a bad person,  _ he tried to tell himself, imagining it was his therapist telling him. He cleared his throat. “Umm.” He looked down where their hands were still joined together. It was his turn to rub his thumb across her knuckles, making her breath catch. He chanced a quick glance up at her before focusing his attention back on their hands. The creme brulee laid forgotten between them. Their hands started to play together at the table, and Ben blurted out––

“I’m a monster.” 

“No you’re not,” Rey replied without missing a beat, still staring at their hands. 

Ben stared at her. “Yes, I am, Rey. I’ve done horrible things. I’ve made so many mistakes.” 

“Everybody makes mistakes, Ben,” she replied calmly, still playing with his fingers. He sat back in his seat and stared. 

“I guarantee there are worse people out there, Benjamin Solo,” she said. And then Ben knew. 

“What do you know?” he pressed, his earlier suspicion coming back. His hands clenched around hers, and she finally looked up at him, guilt written all over her face. 

“Rey, what do you know?”

“Nothing, well, okay that’s not true. Your mom may have told me.” 

“What?” 

“I didn’t mean to, I mean, I didn’t stop her but that day I was at your house, and you ran out, she was really sad, Ben.” 

Ben pulled his hand back. 

Silence. So much of it. 

“What did she say?” Ben asked finally, sounding gruff to his own ears. 

Rey looked up at him with hope in her eyes. “Not much, truly, I, uh–,” she paled. “I had to do some research to get a better picture.” 

“Research,” he said flatly. 

“Yeah, you know. News articles. Poe,” she whispered. 

“So you know then. You know that I’m a monster. You know who I used to work for. You know I’m a bad person, Rey, so why are you still here?” 

“But that’s just it.” 

“What?” 

“You’re here now.” 

Ben crossed his arms. “Yeah, so?” 

“You’re not still… him.” 

“Him,” he responded flatly, his heart pounding in his chest. 

“Yeah… Kylo,” she said.

He laughed ruefully. “You seem to know a lot already,” he muttered. 

“I don’t know––” Rey started, then stopped herself to take a breath. “I don’t know it from  _ you _ ,” she whispered. 

Ben took a deep breath himself, nodding his head, coming to a conclusion. He  _ wanted _ to tell Rey. He had to tell her. 

“I guess, I’ll start at the… beginning.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter! I'm [@_princess_1216](https://twitter.com/_princess_1216). 


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